It all started yesterday while I was happily listening to my ex’s music on iTunes — because I’ve been all nostalgic and shit — and because I needed a sense of home. Jim’s music gave me that.
So I went on to share on Twitter the song that I was listening to. Curiosity hit me and I wondered who else might have been mentioning him or any of his songs. And holy crap! I was not prepared to discover what I found.
I met J. in Guadalajara, Mexico back in 2008 when he was on tour. He was 41 and I was 25. He was an alcoholic who had been sober for 13 years but who had recently relapsed. He’d just gotten out of a very unhealthy relationship with an actress in LA where they lived together.
J. loved my town because there he could become a new person and because Mexico is fun and tequila is a promise around every corner, so he kept coming back to visit. I was also going through a self-destructive phase of partying hard every other night and being reckless to the point of putting myself in danger. I was lost, he was lost and we became friends and supportive of each other during that time.
After a year, against all the odds he got sober again, and by then, I was already shifting into my delayed adulthood and a more responsible way of living. It was then when we realized that we were walking toward the same goals in life: settling down, having a family and all that jazz. So the next step happened really naturally and after the solid friendship and mutual care, we decided to walk the same path and set of goals together.
At the beginning of our relationship, J. was still living in Los Angeles so I visited him every month and he visited me when I wasn’t there. After six months of going back and forth between two countries, he decided to move to Guadalajara with me.
Once settled in Mexico, we started to build a home that was safe and beautiful. The first months went by blissfully while I played house. It was my first time living with my boyfriend, and although I had a lot to learn, I was under the illusion that we were heading to a solid future together.
Then reality happened. J. had a few relapses; he struggled with a lot of issues from his childhood and past, plus anxiety and panic attacks.
I was now living with an addict and I didn’t know how to deal with the heaviness of the situation. Those times were super hard because I had no one to talk to. I wouldn’t go to Al-Anon meetings because I was afraid. I thought that I had to be strong and solid for both of us.
Regardless of that, with patience and love we managed to get through those dark periods. J. got sober again and things started to get better.
I always made it clear that I was in this relationship for the good, the bad and the ugly. I was never going to bail on him — no matter what. We were a team.
But one day, out of the blue, I found out that he was seeing another girl. Just like that!
Everything fell apart. After all that we went through and after everything that I had taken, cheating was just something that I wasn’t going to ignore. So I asked him to move out. And ever since that moment, there has not been a time when J. hasn’t tried to get us back together. He even proposed once.
As I tried to understand his actions, I went on a rampage against the girl. I just wanted to make her pay, too. I mean, I’d lost my home, my dreams and my future all at once. I was confused and in so much pain. And I felt that I had to get even and cause her pain as well. I wouldn’t care for her, as she had never cared for me.
So I used the only weapon that I had available — Facebook. I posted the picture that I had found that let me know they were together: It was a picture of her in bed, naked but covered with a blanket.
I posted it on a mutual friend’s wall and wrote: “Thanks for destroying my relationship.”
I do not regret this at all. It felt great! The picture stayed on my friend’s wall for a couple of days where all of her friends could see and most importantly, JUDGE.
Then I wrote her ex-husband saying that I questioned the integrity of the mother of his son for doing what she was doing. Maybe this was too much, but I still don’t regret it.
However, she remained silent. She never wrote me or answered me. And after a couple of months, once I overcame the stalking phase, I forgot about her.
J. tried to get back together and made his amends. I forgave him and we remained close. Not necessary romantically close, but close enough to continue to be in each other’s lives. There were periods of time were I pushed him away and he tried harder to get in touch, and there were other times when we barely spoke.
I’ve always had so much love and respect for that man. He is a great artist, intelligent, cultured, compassionate, kind. And he kept showing up in my life, being supportive and offering me a future together — a family, a cabin in the woods, a loving life. J. has been asking about coming to visit me soon. Call me selfish or stupid, but I was seriously considering his offer until yesterday.
There I was on Twitter, typed his name and another familiar name showed up. It was this girl’s name! Who I had completely forgotten about — and she was mentioning him and also one of his songs. I went on to her profile and discovered that they had been together ever since we broke up! I discovered a ton of pictures on her Instagram of both of them. She brags all the time about him as if he was a prince. I almost puked!
I went ballistic! I know this time it’s not her fault — she seems to be really in love and all — but again, someone had to pay! And it seems to me that she just got what she wanted. Where are you, Karma?
I first called him, texted him, emailed him, but nothing! Of course he would disappear now. But then I thought that she should know he’s been playing both of us. I’m not pretending to be doing her a favor by letting her know, I want her to feel exactly what I felt before and I wanted her to know how it feels to lose everything you had, all at once.
Since I had no way of contacting her in a private way, I had to use all of the resources at hand.
First I thought of using Twitter, but 140 characters wouldn’t do the trick. So I had to get creative and I used a website to create an online document where I posted J’s recent emails to me. Next, I shared the link to her (and to everyone else who’s interested) on her Instagram photos –- yep, like a psycho — especially on the pictures where they were together.
Now, I really don’t know what will happen next. For now, she remains silent.
Have I gone overboard? What would you do in my case? Is this girl a victim? Am I a bad person?