These words are inked into my skin. Into the right side of my ribs. Permanently scarred by the blueish black ink, dark like the midnight sky, letters flowing together like day into night. However, I find it quite ironic, because in all reality, I am anything but fearless.
My every day is plagued by fear. And perhaps this fear comes from the wretched anxiety, and though I feel like I’ve gotten the anxiety under control, perhaps it is now manifesting itself in a new ugly light — that of fear.
I find it odd that of all the words or images that I could have chosen to be scratched into my skin forever, I chose something that is the exact opposite of how I live. Without fear? Ha, that’s a good one. I live a life full of fear. I don’t just mean a fear of heights, or a fear of the dark, or being killed in a dark parking lot alone (hey, it happens!). I live with greater fears. Nearly existential. I fear that I am not enough. I fear that I am not good enough for those that I give myself to. I fear that I am not worthy of getting that love back. I fear that my friendships are a facade and that the second I leave, they turn to whisper about me. I fear that my relationships are one sided, that those I love may never truly love me back. I fear losing the ones I love most.
And in establishing how much I fear… the irony only grows. Maybe I was drawn to these words because they are all that I’m not, but all that I wish to be. I wish I could eliminate all of those fears, have the confidence that only seems to exist in others, and find the love that I’ve long yearned for. But these fears hold me back. They have created a wall that I can’t seem to break down. And when I finally begin to knock it down, it crumbles down on top of me, a heap of brick and mortar and sadness and fear.
Maybe I chose these words as a reminder to try my best to live without fear. Maybe I am foreshadowing the future, as far fetched as that may seem. Perhaps I can take these two words, sin miedo, that are inked on me permanently, and I can grow from them. Perhaps I can take this time to overcome my fears, to grow, to be better for myself so that someday I can be better for others. Maybe one day I can take the wall down brick by brick, without it crumbling on top of me. Maybe one day, I can truly live without fear.