The moment when your dad’s favorite sweatshirt that you put on when you miss him smells less like your dad and more like closet. Those moments when you realize you are just a top spinning round and round and will come to a halting stop and have nothing; no spin just gravity pulling your weight down to nothingness. You know that you are you but what are you without any support, any bearings, any net ready to catch you when you fall? Not just in an immediate sense, well that of course too, but in the cosmic sense, which is ever the more frightening. Realizing that if you were starving, if you were dying, there would be no one there fighting for you like parents would. There would be no one that cares about you because technically they have to, they are intrinsically supposed to, there is no one that has an eternal duty to care for you. You are nobody’s child. So you just keep spinning and spinning and trying not to get dizzy. Hoping to some higher power that you won’t come to a sudden stop, that you won’t be able to pause and realize this truth. This truth, that you are alone. You have been alone. You only have yourself and no one else is bound to you. There is no emotional umbilical cord holding anyone to you, nor you to anyone. Relationships, friendships, they are all a part of your spinning and you know they won’t be there when you stop. So you cry, and you laugh, and you wonder, and you might even pray. And so you just keep spinning, because it is beyond your control, it is natural, it just continues, it moves forward. And you just keep spinning. And all you can do is dread the stop, and wonder how long you can last like this. You’d just like it to last like this so it won’t hurt, so you won’t have to face it all. You’d just like to remember them being there, you’d just like to remember a time when you thought you could spin around like this forever. You’d just like to be a kid again, because then you knew people had to be there for you. You knew you were not cosmically alone. You didn’t know it would all eventually stop. You just spin round and round, and you just keep spinning. Just keep spinning. Try not to pay attention to the truth, that you can’t spin around like this forever. Just keep spinning. It does not matter that you are alone. Aren’t we all alone, together?
image – sara biljana (account closed)