Assuming You Still Love Me

Assuming You Still Love Me
Tanja Heffner

First things first: yes, I am assuming. And as folks would say, “Never assume, because it only makes an ass of u and me.” But here I am, daring to make a fool of myself, because the next word carries so much weight in my heart right now. And this is me letting it all just flow.

And the next word is you. You whom I have known since I was 18, and shared an intimate year with. A year of laughs, tears, promises, all rolled into one half-baked unfinished cookie. We were young. You were recklessly in love, and I was too scared to lose myself. My careful choices eventually led me to losing you. The day I let you go will always be etched at the back of my mind.

Next: still. There’s nothing much to add, really. The emptiness of this paragraph speaks volumes of how much has, and has not been said and done.

Four word: Love. I know it was different 14 years ago. You’ve made that clear when you turned me away five years ago, and again just recently. But love is love. And it is stubborn. Beyond distance, beyond time, beyond what is tangible. It is both fleeting and lasting. It is both simple and complex. It is both holding on and letting go. It is both the truth and a lie.

Last: me. This is what this is all about. You’ve always left me with a ton of things to say. And even when I think I’ve said everything, I always feel like there’s more on their way. I’ve written countless of letters to you. Most I’ve sent, a few I decided to tear apart. But this one might be the most honest and comprehensive outpour yet.

A tree is a tree, no matter what form it takes, no matter what season it is. Sure it starts off a seed, but everyone knows it’ll turn into a tree eventually. Sure its leaves turn green, yellow, orange, red, but still, it’s the same tree. Sure it can be cut down, part of it a stump, partly turned into paper, but at the core of it, it is still the same tree. So goes how I feel about you.

It doesn’t matter what shape or form it takes, it’ll always be there. The gentle way I cared for you before we got together, the harsh way I cared for you and your choices when we were already together, the silent way I cared for you when we were apart, the playful way I cared for you in the pockets of time we shared when you moved away, the bold way I cared for you when you came back five years ago, and the open and accepting way I wanted to show my care for you when I flew halfway across the world to get there, all are one and the same for me. All moved by the same restless energy I’d like to call love.

So, assuming you still love me, assuming you loved me, assuming you love me, I want you to know that you never left my heart. The ebb and flow of our energies will always be real to me, and real is so hard to find these days. Your silence and your noise will always make sense. Your rage and your peace will always bring life. Your “yes” and your “no” will always draw me closer to you. TC mark

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