I often wonder what it must be like to be a man when receiving oral sex. They just always seem to be having so much fun, don’t they? The way their eyes roll back, the perfect shape of their lips as they moan. Do you ever look up at them and think, I wish I knew what that felt like? Because I sure do!
My friends and I often discuss the baffling reality that so few men know how to successfully perform cunnilingus. It doesn’t matter how old they are or how many vaginas they’ve touched, I’ve experienced enough to know that it doesn’t matter. Most of them try, but they either don’t try for long enough, have no idea what they’re doing, or are too selfish to explore what I want. And many are just in a one-person race to the finish line.
I’ve only ever had one man bring me to orgasm with his tongue. The poor guy was down there for 45 minutes and when it finally happened—with the help of my index and forefinger, my orgasm was so strong that my arms and legs went numb. As I sat up dazed (and a little light-headed), I thought, holy shit, this must be what men get to experience every time they get head. I couldn’t believe what I had been missing out on. But to my disappointment, eight months later, it hasn’t happened since.
My favorite and least favorite thing about casual sex is cunnilingus. I’ve had some, well, experiences in the last three years. It is like a game of roulette, yet the odds are hardly ever in my favor (I mean, sometimes it feels like I’m always losing). Some men are sheet-gripping, high-tone-screaming incredible even if I don’t cum, others (most) have absolutely no idea what they are doing.
I hate to break it to you, but while you (men) get that explosive ending every single time, we do not. Sex for us women is not so simple. What can sometimes only be described as a wet mop sliding over our labia, that uncomfortable feeling building in our groin in your attempts to make us cum by finger banging and slobbering on any skin you can find is not ideal for anyone.
When men go down on us, are we always having a bad time? No, it is just not enough. It can feel good for about three and a half seconds, but most of the time it is too rough, too slow, too I’m never going to cum if it stays like this. It’s a wet tongue disaster flickering miles away from the attention we crave on our clitoris. And when we attempt to change direction and you don’t listen, it is then all we can think about is ways to make it stop.
Dear sexually active men of the world, we women like orgasms—actually, we love them. I don’t know what manual you were given, but most of us enjoy receiving oral too, so instead of focussing on your own release, how about you set aside some time for ours.
I plea, get your little notepads out, your favorite colored gel pen, and take down the following points.
Even if you’re sleeping with a woman that isn’t vocal in the sack, there are other things you can pick up on. Breathing is a great example. Short and quick exhales paired with low moans means you’re doing something right. And please, if she tells you she’s about to cum, don’t start moving extremely quick. In case you didn’t already know, vaginas don’t work as penises do—you keep the same pace and position until she’s holding on for dear life and moaning profanities in your ear. Don’t rub her dry and lick her like a soft-serve ice-cream. Start slow and listen to her needs. If she doesn’t offer anything, then ask. “Does that feel good?” or “Where do you want it?” (I am literally clapping—communication is the key). Also, imagine you are kissing her mouth. All you need to do is apply those skills to her punani and you’ll be fine.
2. Locate The Pea
I just don’t get it. How can you miss it?! When aroused, the clitoris erects as a penis does. It may be the size of a pea, but it is right there, directly in the middle. Sometimes I joke that I need to shape my strip into an arrow because clearly some men need an aid. I may have big thighs, but boy, I can still spread them and it doesn’t affect the view. You all watch enough porn, so you should be fluent in female anatomy. If not, then it’s easy: google it. I cannot tell you how many guys have rubbed about two inches to the side thinking it felt good. Next time you’re down there, please pull out your pocket torch and find the nut under the hood, and instead of pointing at it and rubbing it like a scratch and sniff, applying way too much direct pressure for it to feel good, lay a flat hand, and using two or three wet fingers, press towards and rub clockwise, according to her desired pace. Or alternatively, suck on the clitoral area, because we don’t always need your tongue up the birth canal. (We also like it when you switch it up to an anticlockwise by the way.)
3. Slow Down
A pussy is like a flower—delicate, but when touched the right way, it can bloom. For God’s sake, please stop being so rough. I don’t care how horny you think she is or how rough you think she needs it. None of us think it feels good when you shove two fingers inside and scrape our walls with how hard you finger bang. You all complain you can’t find the g-spot, and it’s because you’re going about 20 cm too far up and moving so fast it’s creating discomfort. I’ve once described it feeling like a tampon being pulled out and reinserted on repeat. And that’s no exaggeration. You need to start easy. Please. That’s all I ask. Toy with it, don’t try and destroy it. Kind regards, every woman with a vagina.
4. Be Patient
Most women do not and cannot cum in two and a half seconds. It takes time to build up. We need to be stimulated mentally and physically to achieve orgasm, so trying to rush things is only going to scare it away. We need to relax and enjoy the moment. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve almost had it, been on the edge, and then a guy says, “Have you cum yet?”
It makes my blood boil. Have I cum yet?! I’m moaning in ecstasy telling you I’m about to, and you’ve just stopped. Have you heard any dogs howling in the distance? It makes me so mad because impatience scares the O away. She floats back down that river so fast and far away from the desired drop you can’t even send her best wishes. Do we complain when we get lockjaw from having your cock in our mouths for 25 minutes because you want to drag it out? I once got a cramp in my neck so badly (and that’s not exactly something that you can walk off) but I kept going because he said he was about to cum. Oh, the joys!
5. Leave Your Sensitivity At The Door
If she asks you to do something in particular or change up the pace, don’t get upset or offended. A woman knows her pussy better than you do, so if she wants something or tells you a way she can cum quicker, listen and act upon it. You need to leave your ego at the door, and don’t act like you know what’s going on. You may have gone down on 50 girls in the last two years, but every woman is different. Always keep that in the back of your head.