I Want To Move On (But I Still Want You)

I had a dream about you last night and I woke up in tears. I don’t know why this still hurts.

I thought moving to another state would help me get over you, but in more ways than one it’s making you harder to forget.

I wish I was strong enough to delete you off my feed, but a part of me just can’t seem to let you go and it is torture.

There are so many things I wish I could say, and I scold myself for I miss you being at the top of the list.

I’m not sure what hurts more, knowing I’ll never see you again or the fact I fooled myself into thinking that bullshit we had was actually going somewhere. I kept telling myself to be patient and that maybe you were just confused, but a part of me knew that this was coming. I made excuses when you pulled back, but the reality was you were caught up on someone else when I was caught up on you.

When we first met, the one thing I asked for was honesty. I wanted to protect my own heart, because I knew what I was like. You said that you couldn’t start a relationship before you went away, and that you weren’t ready, so imagine, just for a second, how I felt the day I saw you with her. You said it was over when it was just beginning, you never gave me the closure or ending I needed, so I was still holding onto the idea that you were going to come back. You said you weren’t the one to play games, and in the end you did just that.

You ghosted me, and I blamed myself. I don’t believe anything you said to me anymore. You told me all the things I wanted to hear and for what, to sleep with me? To add me to your list or to shred my self-esteem into thinking I was never good enough? I thought that after three months I deserved more than to find out on Instagram that things were dead between us. No matter how many dates we went on, I deserved the truth.

I hate that no matter how hard I tried to protect myself from you, you still got through to me. You lead me on, and that makes me so fucking angry. You were supposed to be different, a step in the right direction. You were the relationship guy; you were supposed to know what you wanted. At first I was reluctant to put a label on you, but you were so sweet and funny and so damn charming that I found myself pushing you into a corner of assumptions. I was scared to like you, and just when I thought I knew your next move, you would surprise me. I wasn’t strong enough to pull away when I knew I should have. I was getting pushed around by you, and I couldn’t control how I would submit when you would eventually text me back. I wanted to be mad (I still do), but there’s something about you that I crave. Maybe it is just because I can’t have you that I still feel this primal need for you.

If you would have told me from the beginning, I would have stopped and moved on. I wanted to hear it out of your own mouth that you didn’t want me anymore. I can’t read between the lines.

I’ve replayed everything in my head trying to figure out where I went wrong. I keep thinking maybe you didn’t feel the same thing I did that night on the beach. Maybe you used me to fill that void or to rid the heartbreak you were feeling for somebody else. Maybe you only slept with me to push away your hurt, the way I did with other guys over you. I wish I could get you out of my head. I wish I could erase your touch or the way you made me feel. Your smile and the way you moaned my damn name. That hunger in your eyes as you were about to kiss me. Your coarse voice and the feeling that I just couldn’t get enough.

I can’t help how quickly I felt things. I just couldn’t get it in my head that you weren’t ready. You came into my life when I needed someone the most, and the hardest pill to swallow is knowing I wasn’t enough.

A month later, when you messaged me, all I wanted to do was scream. Why did you have to ask how I was? I was doing so much better. I stopped crying. I stopped feeling sick every time you posted about how much you adored her. When I replied like I didn’t care, my heart was racing a thousand miles a minute. When your name popped up, my stomach dropped.

What’s worse is that after how much I’ve hurt, I still want you, and it’s going to take a long time for that feeling to go away. You still have an effect on me that I can’t seem to erase, and I can’t tell you how much I hate that because I don’t want to feel like this anymore. You hurt me and I want to move on. As much as I wanted to see where things went, we just weren’t meant to be, and now that I’ve come to terms with that I’ve realized that it’s okay.

I’m angry and hurt, but not heartbroken. I didn’t love you, but when I looked at you I knew someday that I could, a feeling I’ve never felt before.

I’m not just saying this for me but for every girl that can resonate with my hurt, for every woman that sits and wonders where they fucked up, and for every person that blames themselves when it wasn’t their fault.

Thank you for making me smile during the hardest time of my life. You were a sweet notch on my belt and a memory I will never forget.