(March 21st to April 19th)
Sorry to say, sweetheart, but 2018 won’t be the best year of your life for romantic love. Instead, you will learn that love springs from within. You will appreciate love in all kinds of ways beyond romance—the love of pets, of beautiful scenery, of family. You will learn to love yourself—which will help when the love of your life suddenly appears in 2019!
(April 20th to May 21st)
There will be plenty of temptation. But you’re looking for love. Avoid the temptation and keep your eyes on the prize. Love is waiting for you—but don’t make it wait too long.
(May 22nd to June 21st)
There will be a little bit of heartache, but when the healing begins you will be smarter and stronger and more lovable. Not that you weren’t lovable to begin with—it’s just that you’ll be even more lovable.
(June 22nd to July 22nd)
If you so desire, you will be able to have a series of short, intense, torrid affairs that leave you feeling sexually satisfied but emotionally empty. But if you want love, someone in your social circle could be the perfect match. I think you know who I’m talking about. It’s up to you whether or not you let it happen.
(July 23rd to August 22nd)
You will search for a deep, real, and abiding love for most of the year but will be frustrated. Then, the moment you give up looking for love, it will show up on your doorstep. Whether or not you invite it in your house is your call.
(August 23rd to September 22nd)
Look here, sweetie—despite your sign’s name, both you and I know very well that you are NOT a virgin. In fact, when it comes to sexual encounters you might even have more mileage on your tires than I do, and that’s saying something! But midway through the year, you will meet a guy who stirs feelings in you that go way deeper than mere physical desire. If you’re looking for love, grab his hand and never let go.
(September 23rd to October 22nd)
You will meet someone toward whom you feel an intense, aching lust deep in your loins. You will begin a relationship based on that lust and nothing more, never expecting it to last. But a few weeks in, one night as he’s sleeping and you’re starting at the freckles on his shoulders, you’ll suddenly think, “Wow, I really love this guy.” And he’ll be a keeper, too—don’t blow it, because if you play it right, this will be a once-in-a-lifetime love.
(October 23rd to November 22nd)
Well, Little Sex Queen, sometimes you seem more like a black widow spider than a scorpion—right after copulating, you eat your partner. For most of your life, what most people consider love has been a power trip for you, which really has nothing at all to do with love. But if you let your guard down for even a minute, you are very likely to find real love in 2018, and you’ll realize how weak and pathetic all that power-tripping is.
(November 23rd to December 21st)
Strap yourself in, because you’re headed for a wild ride. The year will be filled with both passionate intensity and unexpected heartbreak. But if you don’t let your ego in the way, love will stubbornly find a path straight into your heart. Let Cupid slay you with his arrow just once in your life, if only so you know how it feels.
(December 22nd to January 20th)
Do you like sex? I hope so, because there will be plenty of opportunities for you to get laid like a carpet in 2018. But each fuckboy who beds you will be less lovable than the last—and that last wasn’t lovable at all. If you’re looking for love, keep your bedsheets clean and your heart wide open—by year’s end you’ll meet Mr. Special.
(January 21st to February 18th)
If it’s love that you truly want, you can find it. You don’t even have to look very far. If it’s only a warm body you want, you can find plenty of those, too. But you’re at a fork in the road, this will be the year where you make that choice for the rest of your life—you will be forced to choose between love and pleasure. Choose wisely, because you will be stuck with your choice for a long time.
(February 19th to March 20th)
Love? Love? Who said anything about love? You mean like the fairy-tale romances and the rom-coms? That kind of juvenile, unrealistic love? The kind that never lasts and only hardens your heart? No, silly—I’m talking about real, true, deep, abiding love. The kind that makes you so content you forget about ever being so cynical. If you want it, you can get it in 2018.