Close your eyes and then open them one second later. Did you miss something? Yes you did—sex with you, from start to finish. Bang, zoom, done right out of the box. It starts and is finished in the twinkling of an eye. Why waste time? You have better things to do. Plus, your favorite show is coming on. And you want to check Facebook.
You cum quickest if there’s a mirror involved. You’re so into yourself, you sometimes prefer masturbating. You cum and you’re snoring within a minute. The only exception is when you’re really attracted to someone. The more you’re into them, the longer it takes because you can’t get enough of them—you don’t ever want to let go of them or the way they feel. But if you can’t stand your partner you’ll close your eyes, fantasize about your crush, and get off in 48 seconds.
You are quick to get aroused, quicker to cum. In a car. Outside a bar. Under a sky full of stars. You cum first—that’s the rule. If it takes you three hours, they’ll have to wait three hours and one minute. Besides, toys get you there much quicker than any other body does. Plus, they’re usually less expensive.
By yourself, it takes no time at all. You can pretty much snap your fingers and cum. But when you’re with someone else—and because you’re considerate—you’re so focused on their orgasm that sometimes you forget to have one at all. There are so many deal-breakers, so many squeaky stairs on the stairway to heaven. If they’re not washed. If they have a stray weird body hair that you never noticed before. If there’s anything slightly unappealing about your partner, it’s going to take you a while to reach the pearly gates.
You can go fast or slow. The longer it’s been since your last orgasm, the shorter it takes; but if you rubbed one out an hour ago, it’s going to take you a little while. You like oral, so you like to prolong it. Sex is also a power game for you: The more you feel in charge over your partner, the quicker you can reach the finish line.
Your Orgasm ETA depends on exactly how horny you are. The lower your desire, the longer it takes you to finish. But if you’re absolutely brimming over with lust, you can have a near-immediate orgasm. Sometimes you’ll cum quickly not due to excitement, but due to nervousness. In general, though, it takes you about as long to cum as it takes to hard-boil an egg. If you don’t believe me, test my little theory out—you’ll see I’m right!
You are polite, so you will wait for them to cum first. If they’re selfish—and they usually are, right?—it might take a lot of time, plus a bit of muscle and sweat for you to reach the Promised Land. For you, oddly enough, it’s also a seasonal thing: Quicker in the summer, longer in the winter. On those long winter nights, good luck trying to pull off a quickie—it’s usually more like a “longie.”
It takes a while to get you, the Crab, completely out of its shell. You like to stretch it out as long as possible. You like the buildup…teasing yourself and your partner, bringing both of you to the edge, and then pulling back an inch just to prolong it.
You’re like an oven rather than a microwave. Or you’re like a symphony in four moments—it takes a while for you to build up to the final crescendo. You savor sex like it’s a fine meal. You’re not the type to scarf down lobster dipped in butter, and you’re the same way with lovemaking. You savor every bite, letting it roll around in your mouth before swallowing.
You like foreplay so much, they might as well call it eightplay. You’re easily distracted, so even during sex, your mind can wander away from the orgasm. Oh, you forgot to get your apartment keys duplicated. You have to RSVP to that wedding invitation. Why are you the only one of your friends who doesn’t like shellfish? Before you even snap back to reality and realize you’re in the middle of having sex, your partner has already dismounted, dressed, and left in a huff.
Sex for you takes as long as getting home in LA during rush hour. Foreplay is like gridlock on the streets. And then you’re stuck for fifteen minutes waiting on the on-ramp until you crawl onto the freeway. And even then, it’s bumper-to-bumper until you finally reach your destination.
Put on the slow jams and burn some incense, because this is going to take a while. For you, sex proceeds at roughly the pace of someone trying to sprint across the bottom of an eight-foot-deep pool—no matter how hard you try, it still looks like a slow-motion movie. Some people can make love all night—you’re the only one who can make love all night, the next morning, next afternoon, and all the way the next night, too.