Aries
(March 21st to April 19th)
You’re the one who’s passed out on the floor because you “won” the drinking contest. Depending on what time of night it is, your friends may or may not have already drawn a mustache on your face with a Sharpie.
Taurus
(April 20th to May 21st)
You’re the one who won’t eat any of the food because you’re afraid you’ll get an allergic reaction. Instead, you’re stuck in the corner listening to a guy tell you the long and tedious story about how he got into selling car insurance for a living.
Gemini
(May 22nd to June 21st)
You’re the one who’s temporarily missing because you went to another party, and not the party you were at before this party. You promised everyone you were coming in fifteen minutes with bags of chips and more beer. You’ll come back four hours later with bags of chips, because you already drank all the beer.
Cancer
(June 22nd to July 22nd)
You’re standing near the guacamole, wondering if anyone has noticed how much you’ve already eaten. But hey, it’s free food, and you don’t feel like talking to anybody, and who are they to pass judgment, anyway? So what if you’ve eaten too much guacamole? Have they taken a look in the mirror lately? If they did, they’d realize they don’t need to eat any guacamole. And what does that mean? More for you!
Leo
(July 23rd to August 22nd)
Everyone’s standing around you laughing their asses off while you tell the story about the time the cops caught you skinny-dipping out at the local reservoir late one summer night. They especially like the part about how you wound up in jail wet, shivering, and completely naked.
Virgo
(August 23rd to September 22nd)
You’ve wandered into the next room where it’s quiet and are peeping out all the books in the host’s bookcase. With a full glass of Scotch, you sit down in a chair and begin to read a fascinating 1947 book about the mating habits of the Australian chipmunk.
Libra
(September 23rd to October 22nd)
You’re the one who’s pissed that the girl who lives across the street from you that you absolutely hate is wearing exactly the same dress as you are, because you both have a crush on the pretty boy with the big biceps standing over near the stereo system.
Scorpio
(October 23rd to November 22nd)
Are you kidding? You didn’t even go to the party. You decided to stay home, eat Ben & Jerry’s, pop open a wine bottle, and binge-watch Netflix.
Sagittarius
(November 23rd to December 21st)
You’re in the backyard under the stars, squatting to pee and hoping that nobody notices. You can’t wait to get inside and start dancing again.
Capricorn
(December 22nd to January 20th)
You’re sitting on the couch drinking your third beer, smiling politely at everyone. When a trio of rude, drunk-as-fuck, cackling partygoers squeeze onto the couch next to you, you excuse yourself, walk toward the sliding-glass door, lean down, and start petting the cat.
Aquarius
(January 21st to February 18th)
Everyone’s been dancing all night. But you’re the one who took it up a notch and started dancing on the kitchen counter.
Pisces
(February 19th to March 20th)
You’ve been spending the last half-hour on your knees scrubbing club soda and salt on the huge wine stain you left on the carpet after tripping over your high heels on the way to the food table. 
