1. Wow, I completely forgot how nice the sprites are designed here compared to Pokemon Red and Blue. It’s like I’m re-living the show. Pikachu doesn’t look like an experiment gone wrong, for starters.
2. OH MY GOD PIKACHU IS WALKING BEHIND ME! THIS BRINGS ME BACK!
3. Professor Oak, if you know everything about Pokemon, why is this Pokedex empty? Is this a joke? Are you getting off on this? Do you take pride in sending ten year olds out into the world to lasso wild animals?
4. Oh God. I’m ten years old. I’m being sent out on an adventure that will challenge everything I thought I knew about life. I don’t know the first thing about cooking for myself, let alone paying bills.
5. No, Gary, you will NOT “smell me later.” That’s sexual harassment.
6. If I could not run into a Pidgey every four seconds in this tall grass, that would be great.
7. Oh shit, I didn’t even say goodbye to my mom. Oh, well.
8. Viridian City! Where Pikachu…still doesn’t like me much. If you don’t get with the program, I’m going to find a Pokeball to throw you into.
9. Oh, let me talk to that guy who gives me the Dream Eater TM. Oh, he won’t do that until later. Better go collect the parcel.
10. How the hell did this pharmacist know I’m from Pallet Town? Creep.
11. Wait! I need to fight Gary! I hate you, Gary.
12. That’s right, Gary. I defeated you only with this Pikachu, even if his Defense stat is total BS.
13. Well, I guess I should catch a Mankey.
14. If I ever find one.
15. There we go.
16. Now to return to Pallet Town. There might still be time for my mom to return to her senses and inform that eccentric old dingbat of a professor that there’s something morally wrong about sending a child out into the world before he even has a credit score.
17. Wow, I forgot I don’t have running shoes. Pokemon Ruby, if it hadn’t been for you, I wouldn’t be this spoiled.
18. Great, now that I’ve delivered this damn thing, it’s time to be completely inundated by swarms of Ratatta.
19. That idiot who was blocking the road north with his big ass wants to show me how to catch a Pokemon? Does this Mankey mean anything to you?
20. Viridian Forest: Where the trees are lush, the grass is high, the bugs are plentiful and the social lives of these Bug Catchers have been dead from the moment of conception.
21. Good thing I have this Mankey. Defeating Brock will be easy. But I’ll still switch between Mankey and Pikachu in battle, so Pikachu can gain some extra EXP points. I do like to keep the levels even.
22. Why am I wasting time going to the Pewter City Museum? It’s not like I can do anything until I get some fossils. Or get the Cut HM. Side note: Remember when an HM was simple? No Dive (annoying). No Defog (super annoying). No Waterfall (to hell with that).
23. The road to Mount Moon is paved with good intentions. And teenage vagabonds who like to boast about how often they wear shorts.
24. Zubat: The Pokemon equivalent of herpes.
25. There are lots of ladders in this place. Oh, look! A Paras! I don’t care.
26. Note to self: Pick up a Spearow somewhere once I get out of this place.
27. Give it up, Team Rocket. GIVE. IT. UP.
28. Of course I’m going to take the Dome Fossil. Kabuto will always be cooler.
29. Prepare for trouble! Make it double! To protect the world from devastation! To unite all peoples within our nation! To denounce the evils of truth and love! To extend our reach to the stars above! Jesse! James! Team Rocket, blast off at the speed of light! Surrender now, or prepare to fight! MEOWTH, that’s right!
29. Cerulean City! Where I will defeat Misty with this Pikachu (who likes me a lot more now) and run into Gary Oak…again. I have never wanted another human being not to smell me this much since the day the fire nation attacked.
30. I FORGOT YOU CAN GET CHARMANDER, SQUIRTLE AND BULBASAUR IN THIS GAME! YES! YES! YES!
31. Bill, get it together. You and your gene splicing experiments are the reason why that monster at the end of Resident Evil got its ass kicked by Milla Jovovich. And probably the reason why it was made in the first place. Now give me that SS Ticket.
32. On my way to Vermillion City! Oh, look the Day Care Center. Yeah, not wasting my time.
33. This dude with his Level 20 Butterfree is really getting on my nerves.
34. I don’t think there’s a single Pokemon more annoying (or ugly) than a Raticate.
35. Damn, this dude at the Pokemon Fan Club can talk…and all that for a bike voucher.
36. The Old Rod! An old piece of crap (I picked up a Magikarp for 500 PokeDollars back by Mount Moon, so this thing is a waste of my time. But I’ll get it anyway because I’m a stickler for collecting every single item in the game.)
37. STUPID TWENTY ITEM BAG LIMIT.
38. Well, I guess I’ll just go through Digglet’s Cave first. And fight all these losers in the grass leading out towards the pier south of Lavender Town. I get a sick pleasure out of Magnemite not being a Steel type in this game.
39. Dugtrio is sort of rare in this cave. And sort of creepy. And sort of dangerous. But at least I got a Primeape out of the deal.
40. Ah, the SS Anne! And that truck hiding Mew! Ain’t nobody got time for that.
41. None of these people seem all that excited about going on a cruise. Is it because I’m kicking all their asses?
42. I wouldn’t trust these sailors with my life even if they swore at me.
43. Oh, a Great Ball in the ship’s galley! In a garbage can, because important items are just so easily disposable. You wasteful, WASTEFUL humans.
44. Oh, Gary, when will you learn? Are you a sucker for punishment? Your Raticate offends me.
45. I’m really not feeling rubbing this old captain’s back right now, but if it gets me HM01, then so be it.
46. I really hate the garbage can lock code puzzle in Lt. Surge’s gym. And this man’s Raichu is annoying. Probably wasn’t hugged enough as a child. Pikachu, if you act that way when you grow up, I’ll end you.
47. When I go through the Rock Tunnel, I never take HM05 Flash because I’ve mastered the art of traversing the tunnel in the pitch black darkness. Because I’m a badass. Or maybe just a sad nerd who writes for Thought Catalog and plays Pokemon Yellow.
48. Zubat, just GO AWAY. (I hardly ever bother with Repels unless I’m trying to work my way through a dungeon on my way to snatch a Legendary Pokemon, so I guess I pretty much deserve everything I get.)
49. Geodude and Graveler, if you self-destruct ONE MORE TIME—
50. Ah, Lavender Town. Where it’s okay to be emo.
51. What is with those of you who say you don’t believe in ghosts? As if an electric mouse isn’t following me and I don’t have the power to make everything better just by showing up somewhere. (ie: rub old man’s back; correct kinky gene splicing error)
52. Time to enter that creepy tower. But I need a Silph Scope. Oh, Gary! Your Raticate is dead!
53. Celadon City has such pretty music! I want that Eevee, but he’s a bit pointless now that I have all three starters on my team.
54. You bet your lily-white ass I’m getting a Dratini at the Game Corner. Have you ever tried catching one in the Safari Zone? Have you ever stared into its cute little eyes and seen the face of mockery as that Safari Ball misses its target?
55. Oh, I forgot about the spinning tiles in the Rocket Game Corner lair! I forgot how much I hated them.
56. I forgot how self righteous Giovanni is. I want his Kangaskhan. Even wallflower Gym Leader Erica (Ha!) is more tolerable.
57. And back to Lavender Town I go. Wait, I want to go to Cycling Road. Oh wait, this Snorlax is here. That’s right, that old guy shunned society, is hiding up in that tower and I ONCE AGAIN need to play hero. I would gamble away my sorrows at the Game Corner if I could buy alcohol in this game.
58. Gastly! I want one! (I get it. I remember I don’t have anyone to Link Trade with, but decide a Haunter is better than no ghost on my team at all.)
59. My team at the moment: Pikachu, Fearow, Charizard, Venasaur, Dratini, Gastly. I put Blastoise in Bill’s PC for the sake of having a Dragon on my team. (Not because I’m obsessed with Dratini.) And oh, you know…because Charizard isn’t a “real” dragon. Curse you, Game Freak.
60. The old guy has been saved, Team Rocket has been vanquished, the ghosts I kept seeing had something to do with Cubone’s dead mother, I have the Poke Flute! Time to fight guys who live in their mother’s basements on Cycling Road. (I typically end up making the Snorlax around there faint and get the other one on the road to Fuchsia City.)
61. These guys sure have a thing for Koffing and Machoke. I pick up HM02 Fly while I’m at it.
62. Fuchsia City: Where I get to fight more Koffing (hi Koga!) and find an old man’s teeth in the Safari Zone. I’M ONLY A CHILD! I’M ONLY A CHILD!
63. STUPID TWENTY ITEM BAG LIMIT! Pokemon which are impossible to catch in the Safari Zone (because PokeGod hates me): Aside from the aforementioned Dratini, we have cheeky Chansey (who is deathly allergic to the Defense stat), Kangaskhan (who likes to run away, presumably with Lindy Chamberlain’s baby) and Tauros (who’s a bullshitter).
64. After picking up an old man’s teeth off the ground, I really need a vacation. So I’m going to go to Seafoam Islands and catch a legendary ice bird so if I decide to bring it into battle, no one will bat an eye. You know, it’s not like I’m ten years old or anything.
65. I didn’t even go to North Face and get a jacket for this trek or anything.
66. After catching Articuno, I find myself undergoing an existential crisis of sorts. I have put away childish things. My thoughts are longer, less likely to degenerate into rambling, more analytical. What is my purpose? Am I meant to become a Pokemon Master? Or is it my destiny to go home, make my mother and join the family business as a… Wait. Does my mother even work?
67. Time to go to Saffron City to battle Carrie White. I mean…Sabrina. Yeah, whatever.
68. But wait! Something weird is happening at Silph Co.! This looks like a job for…oh, whatever. It’s not like I even FEEL ten years old anymore.
69. Ha! I remember that the card key (the precious ingredient required to unlock all those pesky doors and reach crucial teleportation tiles) is located on the fifth floor, so I just head up there to save myself a lot of time, then work backwards, fighting each and every trainer on every single floor and gaining a million levels and—DAMN YOU TWENTY ITEM BAG LIMIT—some items in the process.
70. All of these Rocket Grunts really need to respect my authori-TAY! Gary, accessible via the third floor because he’d rather sit back and watch atrocities being committed, is a perfect candidate for incarceration through a war crimes tribunal. I remember how the Silph Co. mission was always my favorite part of the game. MASTER BALL!
71. I also remember that the game begins to wind down considerably after this. Probably because I’m too leveled up, too powerful and have been using all my Poke cash to finance my addiction to vending machine lemonade and Rocket Game Corner slots.
72. This Fighting Dojo is full of wannabes. I think I’ll pick up a Hitmonchan this time. Because he has a much more interesting move set, that’s why.
73. And finally to Sabrina, who has nothing on Sissy Spacek. I wipe the floor with you, little girl. (I’m also a teleportation title expert after my rendevous with Silph Co. so her attempts to disorient me are fruitless!)
74. It is time for another vacation. I feel like going to the French Riviera, but something tells me people here would somehow find an issue with me boarding a plane alone. Fools.
75. Cinnabar Island! That’s where I should go! I can get there via the sea south of Pallet Town! I’ll fly there and visit my mother! Yeah, right. Did you really think I’d visit the woman who threw me to the wolves? The woman who said, “Listen to that old geezer and fight organized crime syndicates before you grow pubic hair.”
76. But I don’t want to go there yet. I want to go to the Power Plant by the Rock Tunnel. I’m going to hop on my beautiful Dragonair (I am not obsessed with Dratini and his evolutionary chain, I swear) and surf over there and show that legendary bird who’s boss.
77. But wait! Once I arrive, I’m tricked! What I thought was a Poke Ball was actually a Voltorb! I never saw this coming! Oh, the humanity!
78. After catching Zapdos, I feel terrible about tearing such a rare and beautiful creature away from its natural habitat. I consider buying it a hairbrush.
79. Back to Pallet Town. Back to ignoring my mom. There are no more tears left to shed. Over the sea I go. In the aeroplane over the sea…yeah, I’ve somehow found the time to listen to Neutral Milk Hotel while playing this. Not bad.
80. There’s something really hilarious about how many glitches this game has. Missingno looks like what I imagine I’d find if I took a hacksaw to Donald Trump’s cranium.
81. Oh, I can’t get into the gym? Guess it’s time for me to go into that spooky mansion. I’m terrified. I hum pop ballads to keep my fear of the place at bay: “I’m not going to Raichu a love song/’cause you asked for it…”
82. There are so many strange and sinister mysteries in this place. For example: Why did scientists play God and make Mewtwo so unhappy? Why is the floor so evenly maintained? Why are none of these robbers interested in locating Jodie Foster in the Panic Room?
83. Grimer, I’m sick of running into you. Go away.
84. I have the key! Time to fight Blaine! Ha, I DO have burn heal! I win, of course. I’m pretty awesome, for someone who can’t even vote.
85. Ah, who could the last gym leader be? I remember that Viridian City has a Pokemon gym that’s been locked up for ages. Who could the gym leader be? It couldn’t possibly be—
86. Giovanni. Figures. Yawn.
87. Well, I guess it’s time to fight the Pokemon League to show everyone just how much of a legit trainer I am. It’s not like I have two legendary birds collecting dust in my inbox or anything. Jeez.
88. Gary Oak. We meet again. All this rage. All that thirst. No more smelling. You are too easy, Gary Oak. Too easy. My Pokemon are highly leveled. In the mid-50s. I have a Dragonite. You are no match. No match at all. Smell YOU later, punk.
89. Annoying security guards want to see my gym badges. I have eight more than they have. I think of all the little children I’ve defeated in between Rocket grunts and gym leaders and think of how they will be unable to afford any presents for their families for Christmas and laugh all the way to the bank.
90. This is it. What I’ve been waiting my whole life for. Bjork concert tickets. Wait, no. Victory Road. I lied.
91. The TM containing Earthquake is here! LIFE IS WORTH LIVING!
92. In between all these trainers and all these glorious levels I’m gaining, I catch sight of my prey…another legendary bird. Oh, Moltres. You will be mine.
93. But Moltres. Refuses. To. Get. Into. The. Ball. Stop this right now, Moltres. Stop it. (When I finally catch Moltres, I toss back a shot of whiskey.
94. STUPID TWENTY ITEM BAG LIMIT.
95. Ah, the Indigo League. BRING IT.
96. Lorelei, your Dewgong hates people. Your Cloyster is too easy. Your Slowbro should’ve been aborted. Your Jynx keeps trying to flirt with me. (Gross.) Your Lapras is the only Pokemon who never misses when it wants to use Blizzard.
97. Bruno, HOO-HAH! That’s all I have to say to you.
98. Agatha, the thought of you and Professor Oak having possibly dated in the past really weirds me out. You have a rocking team, but you are one creepy lady. If this were a live action movie, I can totally see Lin Shaye playing you. Magmar can fill in for the role of that red demon from Insidious.
99. Oh, Lance. Dragon Pokemon aren’t exclusive to just you, babe. I have one, too. Well, two. I SWEAR I HAVE TWO. Hopefully time will see the end of your segregationist laws.
100. I am not a Pokemon Master? What’s THAT, you say? I have to defeat Gary Oak? Let him come. I will wreck his life like he did mine.
101. And I do. And when I am finished, I shut the game off, because I know I’ll catch Mewtwo in the Unknown Dungeon after the credits because I’m amazing, that’s why. I’m just a ten year old from a trailer park who had a dream who is not currently in court for plagiarizing Hilary Swank’s Oscar speech.