I’m not gonna lie, the thought of loving someone fearlessly was long gone in my mind until I met you. Seeing how love can easily make someone question their worth made me cynical. I never let myself fall too deeply. I always bail every time I’m about to fall.
I was extra cautious in every thoughts and feelings that I’m letting in but I can’t deny that there’s still a part of me that wanted to experience it even if I don’t believe in it. Maybe its curiosity or just plain stupidity, I don’t know but it is a whisper at the back of mind that I can’t ignore anymore.
With careful consideration and fingers crossed I let myself fall into you. I thought I was still in control but I was wrong. I fell in love with you. I was drowning. I saw the world differently I thought you were good for me, I thought we’re one of the exemption. But I was wrong, you left me shattered with our plans for the future. I never thought I needed a plan B I was so sure and I was so wrong.
So here’s to going out at night last minute before the mall closes to buy you a present after you got your license.
Here’s to the research that I’ve done in middle of the night on how to impress you mom when you told me she’ll come with us to church (she never did)
Here’s to installing airline apps to afford a plane ticket to surprise you.
Here’s to sending you an excerpt from my journal when I vowed to never let anyone read it.
Here’s to crying myself at night when I feel like you don’t care about our relationship enough to solve our arguments.
Here’s to opening up about us to my parents for the first time because I thought you were the one.
Here’s to thinking that we had a shot and being left drowning and too late to be saved.
They say the greatest feeling in the world is to love and be loved in return but that’s bullshit because in reality, the pain of losing myself and my beliefs in the process of loving you is not worth it. Not even close.