Someone once told me the more you thought about something, the more likely it would come true. A “self-fulfilling prophecy,” they called it, and I had nothing to lose. So since then, every time I see a shooting star, I wish for the same thing: “I want to fall in love. Whoever you are, please be wishing for me too.” Funny how I thought I had nothing to lose, because since then I could feel part of me slipping away the more it didn’t come true.
I want to believe in the exaggerated, magical, and hopeful fairy tales. I want to believe that you can be having a normal day, look across a crowded room, and see the eyes of a person your whole soul connects with. You know with that one glance this person will be someone special in your life. All in a one look, you feel a love you never knew you could feel, a love you never knew you wanted, but now it is all you crave. Your heart skips a beat, time seems to stop, and you both know it.
I want to believe the movies where the two best friends grow into an indescribable love. One moment you are laughing with them, the kind of laugh that consumes your whole face and shakes your body, and the next you know you’re in love. There is a moment of clarity that this person here is the person you were meant to love. A slow look, a nod of understanding, and your bond of love unbreakable.
I want to believe in the songs that make me feel beautiful and wanted. Songs like the ones by Ed Sheeran, who sings about tasting like cold coffee, making you shiver without any warning. I want to play those songs and know, really know, I am the person on your mind. I want you to play those songs and validate me by saying, “This is how I feel about you.” I yearn to hear those words so I know it’s not just me who listens to songs and thinks about you. I want to be the person who the songs are made for because music speaks and soothes the soul.
As each year goes by a little part of me breaks off into darkness. I begin to believe I could settle for something less than a fairy tale. It takes work, right? Maybe a glance isn’t enough, being your best friend doesn’t matter, and you don’t have to think about me while sweet songs play. I don’t want to let go of this hope, but the longer you aren’t in my life, the longer I don’t know who you are, the more I believe I could just settle for a cold hand to hold.
I still watch the fairy tales and movies and listen to the songs. I try to bring back that childlike hope and grasp for those pieces which have fallen off of me. I feel like a craft project, gluing together my idea of love with the pieces I have left remaining. I want to frame my version of love on the wall and remind myself to not settle for anything less than a fairy tale, even if the viewers of my picture call me naive.
If you’re out there, know that I will keep trying to believe in my fairy tale, as it is yours too. I will keep my eyes wide open. Until my eyes meet yours, they will be on shooting stars.