I am finally going to end this, not because I don’t love you anymore but simply because I have loved you too much, and the time has come for me to pour my heart out to someone who would love me just as much, too.
I’ve loved you for almost 6 years now, and this seems to work out just fine. I’ve still been in a few relationships while still being terribly in love with you and everyone thinks it’s not fair. But I’m tired. I’m tired of keeping my feelings at bay by holding on to your absence. I’m tired of hiding behind my guilt of not being able to give you what you want while you were around. I’m tired being in love with someone who is buried six feet underground. But it wasn’t my fault that you died, was it?
I’m not going to apologize in regrets for all the times I’ve wasted writing about you, for all the inspiration that sprang from my feelings for you — and for all the potential lovers that I hurt because they didn’t meet up to my expectations of being just like you.
I’m tired of hiding behind the truth, that I cheated on my long-term boyfriend for you, or that you cheated on my best friend for me. I can no longer provide a living space for all these painful realities because I have never regretted any second I spent loving and remembering you.
Your secret glances, or how we would hold hands behind everyone else’s backs. How you would always come back to me after a goodbye just to make sure I’m okay. How you would give out excuses to the rest of the clique and walked me home even when your knees hurt like crazy. How you would always pinch my nose when no one was looking. How you didn’t want to talk to me for a few days because my then boyfriend had held my hands in front of you whilst crossing the road. How you would always find an excuse to be alone with me. I have loved you for all those reasons and even after you died, I still love you for every single one of them.
The reason I held on to you for so long is because I didn’t want to expose myself to the possibility of getting hurt and also hurting someone else in the process but guess what? I hurt them anyway. And now I’m confused beyond words because I’m starting to think that I’m just using you as an excuse to prevent myself from investing my emotions in anyone ever again. Without my realization, I was beginning to romanticize your death.
But your absence is wearing me thin. I can no longer depend on my memory of how you would smile whenever I said something weird. While girls celebrate the birthdays of their lovers, I would write to you a love letter every year on the anniversary of the day you died. I have been putting my heart on hold for you just because you would never be able to hurt me, and that had helped me get through any emotional turmoil caused by my foreseeable failed relationships. But sadly, all these failed relationships were caused by me — not you. You didn’t hurt me, of course. But I’ve been hurting myself along the way. And I’m tired of it.
Maybe I was too afraid to be in love again. Maybe I was afraid that the person would leave too soon. Maybe I was just trying to find a reason to not be involved emotionally with anyone. Or maybe, I was just taking my sweet time to finally be okay again.
I’ve never visited your grave. I have given million excuses to our friends as to why I would never go there. That is probably one of the reasons I no longer visit that city. I don’t want to meet those familiar faces that would remind me of you and that is also because I know it would lead to them asking me about finally coming to terms with your departure.
But it’s different now. I may have found a ray of sunshine out of the six years of loving you. I have finally understood why it was not meant to be and I have learnt the art of moving on. This decision to finally keep you in a safety box and not open it for mourning purposes wasn’t easy, it took me months to do it. So, here it is — my sixth and final letter for you and this is me bidding adieu to our relationship because we both exist in two different worlds now and there’s nothing I could do that would ever bring you back.
Despite everything, you will always have a special place in my heart. Rest in peace.