This Is How I Know I Miss You

I know I miss you when my phone beeps at 6am. I usually don’t read it instantly – blame my sleepy eyes which have been programmed to wake up at 6:30. But I always know the ‘good morning’ message comes from any of you.

I know I miss you when I see dark clouds. I am no weather forecaster, but I used to say ‘It will surely rain and I’ll just get soaked and get sick’ so I can go transfer to your room and stay in your bed.

I know I miss you when I hear Alipin (a Filipino love song) playing from my iTunes list. I downloaded the song because it reminds me of you and your love. It reminds of eternity.

I know I miss you when tantrums hit me…hard. Like I wanna shout and cry, but I can’t because you used to tell me not to let frustration or anger consume me. It is then that I remember your kindness and patience.

I know I miss you when I am eating good food. I love food. I love you. And I love eating the food I love with the people I love.

I know I miss you when I remember the times I made you cry. And I remember promising you I will never be a pain in the ass ever again. I hope I can fulfill it. I am trying real hard. That’s good enough for now, isn’t it?

I know I miss you when I plan for adventures. I want to go to mountains, to beaches, to cliffs, to butterfly sanctuaries, to theme parks. I want to go to places I know you’d also love going to.

I know I miss you when I see my red pen almost ink-empty. You bought this for me more than a year ago. It’s on my table, ready for grab when I need it. I wish I can be like this pen, too – you can grab me anytime you need or want.

I know I miss you when I drink coffee. Back there, I don’t drink coffee when it’s not the same brand and when it’s not made by you. It actually isn’t the coffee that keeps me awake and happy. It’s you and the many mornings I drank coffee with you. I still drink the same brand here, by the way.

I know I miss you when I sing One Direction’s Drag Me Down. ‘All my life, you stood by me when no one else was ever behind me. All these lights, they can’t blind me. With your love nobody can drag me down.’

I know I miss you when I write. Because I want to write about you and how much I love you. I want to dedicate all my words to you, hoping they would be enough to fill your absence. I want you to be the essence of all these write-ups. I want to write because you always tell me I am good at this and it makes you proud.

I know I miss you when I breathe. And I breathe 12 to 20 times per minute.

I know I miss you when I stare blankly at this piece, not knowing what letters to type next or if I should end it with ‘I know I miss you when I breathe’ because that’s the truest paragraph here. But no, I don’t want to conclude this with a reason why I miss you because I might not end this at all.

I miss you.