I don’t know where you are right now. I don’t know if you’re working or taking your Master’s Degree or if you’re enrolled in Law School. Or maybe you’re in your home playing computer games. I don’t know if you’re also into writing and poetry and songs, or if you like football. I don’t know, and there’s no way for me to find that out…yet. But wherever or whoever you are, don’t come now.
Not today. Not tomorrow. My head is too full, and my eyes are wandering off. I wont notice you. You can come when I’m in a crowd, happily looking at all people passing by. Come when I can already see beyond faces, when I can already recognize souls. Come when I don’t anymore pretend to be blind. You can come when I can already meet your gaze.
Don’t come now. You are not going to like me. You will not like how I seem to have negative perspective about things. But you can come when I have grown enough to understand that there’s a ‘reason’ for every reason. Come when I no longer bow my head when being confronted with pain. Come when I can already see flowers and butterflies for more than what they are. Come when I am no longer two-faced, when there’s no more layers of masks in me.
Don’t come now. You will not be happy to see me this way. And I don’t want you to see me like this. You deserve more than my stories of despair. Come when I am ready to write poetry for and about you. Come when I cry honest tears – ones that’s shed because of you. Come when you can see no more vagueness, fears and questions in my eyes. Come when I can already give you a notebook filled with your name and heart shapes, and maybe a bookmark with our picture printed on it.
Don’t come now. You will only hear me sing Maybe (King) or One Last Cry (Brian McKnight) or All My Life (America). And these songs aren’t for you. Come when I can already sing beautiful songs dedicated only to you. Come when I wont anymore hesitate singing out load despite the very fact that I don’t really sing. Come when I can tell you that Thank God I Found You (Mariah Carey) fits to what my heart feels for you, minus the ‘I was lost without you’ part.
Don’t come now. My brokenness will only hurt you. That even if you want to try to fix me, I wont let you. Come when I am no longer the shattered pieces lying on the floor. Come when I am already whole, undeterred by any chaos around. Come when there will only be soft edges, no sharp corners that will make you bleed. Come when I no longer hold on to something to keep me complete except for myself.
Don’t come now. I won’t be around. I am below the ground, at the zenith, behind bushes, anywhere and nowhere at the same time. Come when I am already on a fixed road happily standing still because I know you will arrive at the exact time. Come when I am no longer hiding. Come when I can already welcome you with all sincerity. Come when I am ready to meet you.
I am willing to give you all the possible love when you finally come. But I have yet to find that love for myself. It might take long. But I will not worry about it. Because I want you to meet the ‘girl who took her time to heal completely,’ not the one that’s forced. I want you to see me because I am letting you see me.
And you will. Someday. At the crossroad. Not because I am still lost. Not because of coincidence. I will meet you there because it’s the right thing to do, because it is how my story is written – along with yours.