It’s already 2AM and I’m still awake.
Usually if I can’t go to sleep, I would call you. I can talk to you about anything, from my thesis proposal to that smudge in my laptop that I can’t get rid of.
But it’s all gone now. Just like that.
I had to remind myself that this is what I needed. A break from whatever we have.
It’s well past midnight and I’m on our roof, thinking of a strategy. I’m laughing at myself a little when I realize that I’m about to Google, “How to forget him.” I look around to check if anyone is around. I’m scared that our neighbors might think I’m going crazy.
But I’m not.
I stop searching online when I realize how weird this will be tomorrow, seeing these search terms in my browser history.
“Steps in getting over your friend.”
“What girls can do to get over a guy.”
“How to make yourself stop calling him.”
I really need to figure this out on my own.
I can remember the moment you finally walk away and never looked back. It keeps on replaying in my head. That scene makes me feel like I’m getting punched in the stomach. I have to pull myself together. I’m on the verge of going insane.
Finally, I decide to go back to bed. But I get scared. I don’t want to close my eyes because the only face I would see is you. You have become my worst nightmare even when I’m awake.
Unloving you is a decision I have to remind myself everyday. A mantra that I have to stick with. But especially, a reality I have to face.
358 days to go.