Begin from the understanding that men may be microwaves but women are crockpots. We may heat up just as often as men, but we do it slowly. We don’t naturally go from completely cold to burning hot in a matter of minutes. We love nuance and feel bored by the plainness of vulgarity — that should come when the mood is set. Think of it like your focus should be on leading the horse to water instead of asking it a million times if it’s thirsty (or worse, dunking it into water it’s ill-prepared for).
When I was younger a friend confided in me that since he hadn’t had sex yet, when his brother got married he told him everything about how it worked. His brother had said that if he wanted to have sex with his wife he needed to know he wanted this at the very beginning of the day and start laying the groundwork. He’d send her a text in the morning about how beautiful she looked that day or some other compliment. All day it would be a process of building up to the final act.
I rebuffed this story at first. Surely we women aren’t so high-maintenance on the whole that we required 24 hours of coddling before perform a relatively simple act of love with our beloveds?
But as I got older and started dating people and having sex regularly, I realized the truth of this guy’s account. Sure, a quickie is fun and hot on occasion — but even that is usually the result of some mental build up. And while it’s sexy in the moment and something I enjoy doing, it’s typically centered around the guy’s pleasure, since that’s a lot quicker to achieve. When it comes to sex that makes me extremely turned on, the ones that I remember for years and years — it’s invariably a result of a lot of mental foreplay.
I remember one particularly intense and long-lasting orgasm happened after an “I can’t stop thinking about you” text from him in the morning turned into a full afternoon of delicious sexting. By the time I got home, I was ready to pounce on him, but he made us go to dinner first, and we teased each other the whole time. We couldn’t stop touching and kissing in the car ride home, eventually having the most amazing sex when we finally got to my apartment.
The worst sex comes out of nowhere. Like when a guy brings up sex before he’s even kissed you. Or he’s completely prosaic about it. Even when I’m not in a romantic relationship with the guy I’m having sex with, we’re still having romantic sex — not “making love” but genuinely liking the person and having a human moment with them — because that’s what gets me off and all the rules of an NSA relationship should stop when you’re actually in bed together. You should still like each other and express that, you should still have fun and not act like strangers, that doesn’t mean you’re in love with each other and dying to get married and have babies. That’s not the only reason people have romantic sex.
I read somewhere (probably Cosmo, honestly) about a woman who would lay in bed with her vibrator inside her for 10 minutes before her boyfriend would come over. It was relaxing, but not erotic — it just helped her relax and transition from work mode into a sexy mood and she found herself being a lot more interested in her boyfriend for the rest of the night. I haven’t tried this, but it seems like a great idea. It’s good to transition from the work version of yourself to the girlfriend version of yourself when the whole point of the evening is to spend time together.
I’ve gathered that this isn’t super typical from talking to my girlfriends about it, but I’ve always had boyfriends or guys I was sleeping with that bought me sex toys. And they always did it the right way, leaving it for me as a gift rather than bringing out some giant scary contraption in the heat of the moment. This way I could explore safely (alone) and I’d obviously be thinking about them as they gifted me the experience. Even though it wasn’t (at least at first) a part of our sex life, it increased the quantity and quality of our sex life anyway.
Another thing to keep in mind is that women have been told their whole lives they need to be beautiful. So, if you are trying to get her to do things (anal, squirting) that are a lot messier and are kind of not super beautiful by design, it is going to require even more trust and “warming up” than regular sex. Make sure you your regular sex life is great and she is having orgasms before you bring up something that’s even harder for her to relax and cum from.
If you want more blow jobs, the same principles apply. Don’t be completely silent when she gives you one, groan in appreciation. Tell her how hot she makes you. Help he give you a great BJ by guiding her, but never criticize what she does or joke about it. Make her feel comfortable experimenting — safe in the knowledge that you love what she’s doing and find her sexy no matter what. When she feels that way, she’ll be willing to push her boundaries and try new things.
In modern relationships the opposite sex can feel like the enemy. When a future together isn’t (usually) part of the equation we want to make sure we’re all getting as much as we are giving into the relationship. I think that at first glance all the stuff that helps a woman have great sex (compliments, building up to it mentally, thinking about how to make her feel safe and sexy) seem like a lot of extra work. I don’t think it is.
We already do almost everything to fit the way men’s sex drives work — the way we dress, almost all porn, a lot of sex acts that aren’t themselves necessarily stimulating female erogenous zones — it’s totally reasonable to make the same accommodations for women instead of assuming male and female sexuality is the same.