Tonight was among the many firsts. Tonight he broke my heart for the thousandth time, but somehow this time, it felt real. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s the things he said. Things that pierced through my heart. He said that nothing mattered, it’s just that he didn’t want me anymore. And I think to myself, How many times do I need to hear that for me to realize that for him I wasn’t the one?
The truth is, he doesn’t know how I feel. He doesn’t see that I hurt with the words he so lightly ever put, to not see me hurt. He says things like I love you, I say I love you back. But when we’re not together, it doesn’t feel that way. It makes me feel empty.
I wish I could say that I’d just sleep it off and forget about all the hurtful things you said. I did try that. But now everything seems so different. It feels a little bit real. I’m the only one who knows the truth. The truth that yes, I want to let go, too. But I’m the type of person who values the voice of her heart instead of her mind.
I get so lost in my thoughts every day not knowing what to do or say. My mind tells me these things, but my heart beats a different thing. Should I leave you? Or should I stay?
I saw you with her. It felt like I ceased to exist. I began to deny it in my heart, because admitting that I saw it would say it is true. All my insecurities came rushing in. I felt like I wasn’t worth it. But who are you to make me feel that way? I hate you and I love you. But now I think it’s more of me hating you.
I’ve loved you with all my heart and soul. You don’t have to ask anyone because even God knows. You crushed the bits and pieces we’ve built together. I thought I could trust you, but you were the one who broke my heart. Tell me how could this be, when all I’ve ever wanted was to love you for you?
Nobody knows it but me. The truth and the reasons why I have to unlove you.