1. Cats are not needy.
Dogs follow you everywhere. They are crazed stalkers. They require your attention every 0.02 seconds of every day. I cannot handle this.
2. Cats do not smell.
Dogs have a smell. It is everywhere and on everything. It is utterly inescapable and putrid.
3. You never come home and find your used underwear on the living-room floor.
I am house-sitting a home in which there are two dogs. Twice I have come home to find my used underwear on the living-room floor. What is this obsession?! Not even my boyfriend likes my used underwear.
4. Cats are selective.
They choose their humans. Once you are chosen as their human, there is no other human akin to you. Dogs are attention whores; they love everyone, everywhere, all the time.
5. Cats are cute when they “chat.”
I love it when my cats get chatty and trill and purr. Dogs bark and growl and carry on in a tasteless manner, and why is it so loud in here?! Oh yes, a car just drove by the house.
6. Cats don’t come in pretentious breeds.
There are no “special” cat breeds with ostentatious names such as “Shih Tzu” and “Golden Retriever,” nor bullshit concoctions such as “Labradoodle” or “Spoodle.” Those are not words, they are demonic creations!
7. Cats are adorable when they’re angry.
They puff up and their ears are gorgeous folded back, and there’s no such thing as being mad at an angry cat. Angry dogs are terrifying. They can maim and kill.
8. Cats never destroy objects beyond repair.
Oh, you wanted to read the newspaper this morning? Too bad—the dog beat you to it. You wanted a fresh pair of socks? Nope. A tasty roast-beef roll? Not gonna happen, bud—your hell hound ate that hours ago.
9. Cats don’t slobber on you.
Whether I’m coming in the door after being gone for thirty seconds or coming down the stairs in the morning, dogs are jumping on me and licking my legs. Cats do not do this.
10. Cats have self-respect and class.
I just watched “Rosie” the “toy poodle” lift her leg so the other dog could smell her crotch. She just walked over there expressly so that could happen. You would never catch a cat stooping so low.