Sluts Without Borders

Shutterstock, KieferPix
Shutterstock, KieferPix

Two of my favorite things in life are travel and sex. Each is an escapist pastime that provides the opportunity for exploration, exciting discovery, and enriching inter-connected relationships. I sometimes wonder; if all our world leaders slept together in one joyous orgy, could we end all war?

My love passport has been stamped with the entry of twelve different nationalities. Each foreigner has given me insight into the country of his origin along with varying degrees of pleasure. The way someone makes loves can tell as much about a culture its food, music, and politics.

In sleeping my way around the world, I’ve made some observations based purely on personal anecdotal experience. Note, these characterizations stem from my encounters with gay men (and the occasional closet case) only.

Canadian

I was with a French-Canadian which I am sure is its own special breed, distinct from the English-speaking rest of the country. The Québécois had a corniness and intensity about him that puts Celine Dion in context. We knew each other for a week when he brought up living together in casual conversation. After that severely spooked me and I pulled away, he texted me one night at 2AM that he was outside my window. Insanity aside, he was a great lover with an incredible body, owing to his role in Cirque du Soleil.

Penis facts: Above average, uncircumcised.

English

I slept with an Englishman before I decided I don’t care much for the English – not their sense of humor, not their food and not particularly their men. British men are ugly with centuries of cross breading and colonialism, where the fit, able-bodied were sent off to wars to die, leaving only snaggle-toothed peasants behind to repopulate the country. There is something particularly unsexy about their accent to the American ear when they talk dirty.

Penis facts: Average, uncircumcised.

French

French men have earned their reputation as the world’s best lovers for good reason. Possessing legendary Gallic handsomeness that comes in the form of full, pouty lips and thick, beautiful hair, they might just be the best-looking people on the planet. They’re also seductively intelligent. The French have one of the most rigorous academic systems through grade school, making them engaging conversationalists, especially if you can speak French and understand the subtleties of their wit. In bed they tend to be sensitive and reciprocal.

Penis facts: Above average, uncircumcised.

Italian

It’s hard to find an unattractive Italian, because their charisma and charm easily enhance whatever physical gifts they have. As lovers they can be wild and passionate – sex, like food, is a joyous experience. The handsome Milanese banker I slept with had a thing for poppers.

Penis facts: Average, uncircumcised.

Latvian

I know nothing about Latvia. I had to Google it just to find out where it was on the map and that they use the Euro. My one Latvian was a tall pale fellow, almost albino, who ended up being married to a woman, a fact he conveniently didn’t mention until I noticed the ring on his finger at the time of our second rendezvous. He was a gruff, efficient lover concerned with his own pleasure.

Penis facts: Large, uncircumcised.

Russian

Russia is known as a country with beautiful women and horrible men. The men come predominantly in two varieties: fat and ugly or stick-thin and hairless with aquiline faces like Vladimir Putin. I found one who was neither. My Russian lover was one of the best I’ve ever had. He was passionate, insatiable, and completely self-confident. He invaded me over and over, and I was happy to surrender.

Penis facts: Large, uncircumcised.

Israeli

I was born Jewish, so I have a soft spot for the darkly handsome men who populate the holy land, especially those who are current or former IDF fighters with the body to show for it. Israelis are known to be pushy and direct, so as lovers they can be aggressive and dominant.

Penis facts: Above-average, circumcised

Jordanian

My Jordanian was quiet and discreet, as he probably has to be or risk death by stoning in his country. In most of the Arab world, homosexuality is either completely outlawed or socially condemned. As such, only a few rich elite can indulge their sexual desires, secretly and behind closed doors.

Penis facts: Average, uncircumcised.

Lebanese

Arab men are stereotypically known to be macho, a product of their patriarchal society. The Lebanese was a tall and imposing man with broad shoulders who liked to refer to me in female pronouns. He was only interested in my ass and wouldn’t reciprocate oral sex. He had the thickest dick of any man I’ve ever seen, bar-none.

Penis facts: Large, uncircumcised.

Indian

Sadly the art of the Kama Sutra has been lost on Indian men and they are among the worst lovers I’ve ever had. Foreplay and intellectual stimulation are severely lacking, and the sex itself has categorically been unfulfilling. Homosexuality was again outlawed in India in 2013 and culturally there is a huge stigma, forcing almost all but a few wealthy Westernized liberals into the closet. Gay and straight men alike always have to leave as soon as the act is done to go back to their families, with whom they reside until marriage (and sometimes after). Most of the gay men end up marrying women in sham arrangements.

Penis facts: Below-average to average, uncircumcised.

Australian

I have a theory that all the good-looking English were sent to live in Australia. The two Australians I’ve been with had beautiful faces, perfect teeth and friendly, humorous dispositions. Each was non-committal and flighty and I never saw them again after we slept together.

Penis facts: Above-average, uncircumcised.

American

It’s difficult to classify American men, both because I’ve slept with too many of them to fall into easy categorizations and because we’re a mixed litter of varied cultural and ethnic provenance. Generally speaking, American gay men are shallowly obsessed with their bodies – nowhere else in the world is the notion of going to the gym as sacrosanct and popular as it is in the US. Spiritually and intellectually, American men are lacking. Sexually, they are average.

Penis facts: Above average, circumcised. TC mark

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