I was out at a bar with some lesbian friends the other week and one turned to me and said, “If you were a lesbian, you’d be my type.” I inquired further as to what she meant. “You’re petite and pretty,” she explained. Sadly those same traits don’t get me very far as a man who dates men, leading me to wish I were indeed a lesbian. I identify more with the monogamous tendencies and emotional intimacy that two women share than the brusque manner of man on man relations.
Women are all-around better humans — more emotionally evolved, and more capable of love, understanding, and compassion. So it makes sense that two women have a better chance at establishing a fulfilling relationship than two men.
Thanks to one of my best friends who just became a lesbian (a newbian), I now have more lesbian friends than I have gay male friends. I’ve always taken it as a compliment when I was told that I’m more like a lesbian than a gay man (except when it comes to fashion sense). That said, I’d trade my penis for a woman-loving vagina any day.
1. Lesbians are open with their emotions.
Women are naturally more empathetic and better communicators than men. They talk freely about their problems, feelings and how to bake the perfect gluten-free carrot cake. Half the time men don’t even know what they feel, let alone how to express it. This biological reticence makes it challenging in the early stages of gay relationships to understand and relate to one another. Meanwhile, lesbians could write a biography of their partner after approximately two dates.
2. They look out for each another.
Lesbians share a sisterly bond and protect one another — if you’ve ever doubted this, go watch a gay dodgeball game and see who’s left standing. When a member of their coven is not doing well, lesbians rally for support. When a gay man is down, his friends will tell him to take some poppers and get over it.
3. They play well together.
Gay men like to gossip almost as much as they love rosé and are notoriously bitchy with one another. There are countless TV series catering to their favorite pastime of passing judgment: Project Runway, RuPaul’s Drag Race, Toddlers and Tiaras. They self-segregate in cliques that make Mean Girls look like Golden Girls. Among gay men, friends can be out as quickly as neon running shoes. Lesbians, on the other hand, are as welcoming and nonjudgmental as the free clinic.
4. Lesbians mate for life.
What’s the difference between a lesbian relationship and a Dyson vacuum? A lesbian relationship comes with a lifetime warranty. Everyone knows the joke about lesbians and their U-Hauls. A lesbian is rarely single for a long time and a gay man is rarely monogamous for a long time. The notion of open relationships exists almost entirely within the domain of the gay man.
5. They’re less superficial.
Gay men are singlehandedly propping up the waxing, gym, and tanning industries. There is a culture of physical perfection that is pervasive among men who sleep with men. With lesbians, looks count for a lot less. Even Gertrude Stein had a girlfriend — and she was the only person in the world who looked better in a Picasso portrait than in real life.
6. Anal sex hurts.
Or it’s uncomfortable at best.
7. Lesbians are less into partying.
For many lesbians, the idea of a good time is hitting up the hardware clearance sale at Home Depot followed by a round of beers with the girls and then a night of sensual cuddling and bubble bathing (at least in my imagination). The most wild they generally get is taking the Subaru off-roading.
8. They’re more comfortable in their skin.
Lesbians are like straight men — they don’t try that hard. They present themselves pretty much as they are and you can take it or leave it.
9. They’re less status obsessed.
Gay men try to bolster their image by buying the latest phone, the shiniest car, and the biggest house. This creates a sub-culture of gay men who define their self worth (that that of others) by the color of the American Express card. Lesbians know what really matters: good friends, beer, and comfortable underwear.
10. They have better taste in music.
I’d rather listen to Indigo Girls and Tracy Chapman over Lady Gaga any day.