Being Beautiful At All Costs

There are two types of people that get to enjoy the best that the world has to offer: the abundantly rich and the abundantly beautiful.  While the rich have access to the best forms of travel, dining, and living, the beautiful have privilege as their birthright.  In both cases, some are born with wealth and beauty while others have to work at it.

Beauty and money have a harmonious relationship in which one attracts the other.  If you’re wealthy, you can easily buy beauty in various forms from material to physical and if you’re beautiful enough, money usually will come, whether in the form of modeling contracts, marriage proposals or escorting offers.

If you were not born with silky hair, a flawless complexion, and a metabolism like a jet plane, you don’t have to give up hope and confine yourself to a life frightening children from underneath bridges or as a bell-ringer in a church tower.  With the right diet, trainer, hair stylist, waxer, eyebrow threader, cosmetic dentist, plastic surgeon, and dermatologist, even Medusa could be turned into a Miss America – or at the very least a Miss Wyoming.  All that is required is complete dedication, a moderately high pain threshold and around a hundred thousand dollars.

This can be a steep price to pay, but the cost of homeliness is actually much higher.  According to a study conducted by Daniel Hamermesh, an economics professor at the University of Texas in Austin, “Attractive people are likely to earn an average of 3% to 4% more than a person with below-average looks. That adds up to $230,000 more over a lifetime for the typical good-looking person.”  Not only are the unsightly earning less, they’re also last in line in the dating pool and the least likely to get a table at Nobu.

You might be thinking, “Oh god!  I don’t want to be ugly but I still don’t have the money to be beautiful.”  Well, this is where basic economics and savings come in.  Simply, you should spend all your money on beautification.  Forget clothes, expensive dinners, drinks with friends, and all other self-indulgent expenditures – no one is looking at you right now and god forbid you attract someone in your current league.  Think of this period as the time to transform yourself from a disgusting caterpillar and retreat into your chrysalis, slowly becoming the butterfly you were meant to be.

Start with the most easily remedied areas – are you overweight?  Stop gorging yourself on chocolate covered almonds, get into the gym and sweat until you’re not anymore.  Are your teeth less than perfect?  Either save up for veneers or have cosmetic bonding applied that can do everything from whitening to perfecting the shape of your smile.  If you have frizzy hair, go to the salon and get a Brazilian keratin treatment (there are some people who say this may cause asphyxiation due to the formaldehyde, but I say it’s better to die with gorgeous hair than live with a Brillo pad on your head).

Rather than waste money on salon facials, which are little more than moisturizing massages for your face, opt for high-tech treatments such as IPL or Fraxel that actually work in correcting pigmentation and pore size.  You know they’re working when they hurt like hell.

After you’ve taken care of the fundamentals, you can move onto the big-ticket purchases, such as cosmetic surgery if required.  Here, price should not be a factor in the decision-making process – this is not the time to look for a Groupon.  Ask to see pictures of the doctor’s wife, as they are usually the recipients of the surgeon’s best work.

Once you’ve finally finished remodeling, you’re ready to live an entirely new life as a beautiful person and enjoy the yacht parties, torrid love affairs and special treatment that come with your new status.  Of course, inner beauty costs nothing to attain but that never got anyone a table at Nobu. [tc-mark[

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