Aries

(March 21st to April 19th)

“I am happy to report I finally went a weekend without thinking about you. Alcohol was involved.”

Taurus

(April 20th to May 21st)

“I regret every fart I held in for you.”

Gemini

(May 22nd to June 21st)

“Our love was dirty and the sex was clean.  They say it should be the other way around.”

Cancer

(June 22nd to July 22nd)

“When my phone didn’t ring, I knew it wasn’t you.”

Leo

(July 23rd to August 22nd)

“I will never forget how bad you sometimes smelled.”

Virgo

(August 23rd to September 22nd)

“I’m afraid of spending the rest of my life searching for you in others.”

Libra

(September 23rd to October 22nd)

“Sometimes a song will pop that you used to love and I find myself humming. I wish they were at least bad songs.”

Scorpio

(October 23rd to November 22nd)

“Each day he reminds me that I deserve the world. You always made me feel like I deserved what I got.”

Sagittarius

(November 23rd to December 21st)

“I was ready to accept you as you are, 11 years older, jaded and bored with life, but you weren’t ready to even reply the texts your mistress sent.”

Capricorn

(December 22nd to January 20th)

“My therapist has the same name as her. I’m not decided yet whether it’s karma or a good excuse to yell at someone for 60 minutes every week”.

Aquarius

(January 21st to February 18th)

“I hope you trip over a Lego at night in your apartment, when you’re going for a wee. I hope you break a tooth.”

Pisces

(February 19th to March 20th)

“You must have loved hurting me, because you always found new and improved ways to do it.”