I know I’m not alone in my ways of self-destruction. Most days it feels that way though, as I’m sure most people who engage in their self-inflicted pain would agree.
Having a self-destructive personality is painful. It’s empty. It’s scary. They say we all have our burdens to bear and have to play the cards we are dealt, which is no doubt true. Some of us may get cancer, others may grow up in abusive homes, the list is endless as to which battles you fight. In the end though, having to look yourself in the mirror everyday and know that you’re the one who’s hurting yourself, there’s no worse feeling. And it only makes you want to disappear even more.
But the first step is recognizing those qualities, and then once you do, you can figure out how to stop the behavior and move on with your life.
1. You’re afraid of yourself.
Your mind is your own worst enemy. You wake up not knowing what the day will hold, or how far you’ll go, or what behaviors you’ll engage in.
2. You hurt yourself so nobody else can.
We don’t just self-destruct to make ourselves feel better. We do it because of other people too. And ensuring that nobody can hurt you more than you hurt yourself is comforting.
3. You go to bed dreading the idea of waking up.
Because you know that the second you do, it starts all over again.
4. You’ll do whatever it takes to feel.
One behavior feels good for a while, but you eventually become numb, and have to find something new to engage in.
5. You can see what you’re doing.
You know it’s wrong. But you don’t feel worthy of happiness and so continues the pattern of self-destruction.
6. You isolate.
The way you choose to hurt yourself only makes you hate yourself more, and you begin to push away anyone who cares in an attempt to feel less guilty or like a burden.
7. You lose yourself in yourself.
Some people fall in love and lose their sense of self, others devote their life to work and lose themselves that way. But you, you lose yourself in yourself. In your behaviors, in your pain, in your search to find whatever will make you hurt. You lose who you are by way of your inner demons, and become a shell of who you once were.
8. You make yourself promises, even though you know you won’t keep them.
“I promise this is my last drink.” Or “I promise I’ll wake up tomorrow and eat my breakfast.” The promises are always empty, but you make them anyway in hopes one day they’ll stick.
9. You wear a lot of masks.
There are an endless amount of faces you put on to make those around you think you’re alright. You do whatever you can to hide the pain you’re feeling and the ways you aren’t okay. You pretend to be strong, happy, carefree, content, and above all else, whole. You can’t show the cracks that are forming; you can’t let them see who you really are.
10. You can feel yourself losing everything, but can’t make yourself care enough to change.
It’s a downward spiral. There’s no other way to describe it. You can’t sustain a life and ruin yourself at the same time. You can only drink/starve/cut/get high/etc. for so long before it all comes crashing down.