It’s Not Your Fault That I Broke My Own Heart

I’m sorry. Everyone thinks that it’s your fault and you think it’s your fault and I thought it was your fault but truth is, it isn’t.

Our story started off like any other. We met and that was all. There was no spark, no immediate realization of how we were meant to be and no startling discovery of something special. We were simply two people whose lives collided and then went our separate ways. I was busy with another guy at the time and you were enjoying the endless flow of new potential targets at a new school.

I was one of them.

But so was she.

Through our mutual friends and shared classes and many more factors beyond our control, we became closer friends and you began to matter. I didn’t know much about you then besides what you told me. You were someone filled with beautiful words that I was in search of because at the time, I was an empty vessel. I let your words flow through me and sucked in all the nutrients that it carried. You gave me validation, and for a girl who lacked security, that meant the world to me.

Little by little, you began to matter more and more and it reached a point where I wanted nothing but to claim you and your compliments. I believed you when you said “I love you”. I believed you when you told me how you’d give up everything and everyone for me. I believed you. I thought because you declared your feelings for me that it meant you were showing me your vulnerable side so I showed you mine. The naïve me fell for beautiful words because I haven’t yet learned that words are only beautiful when they aren’t real. That they only exist in fantasies.

So when I heard how you fell head over heels for her. How you love her. When I saw with my own two eyes how your eyes only followed her… I didn’t know what to do with these words that you’ve gifted me and I can only suck in poison from the compliments that you fed me. It took a dreadful summer to find out how you’ve always had the “player” reputation and how tons of other girls have received those words. But I was okay again. I moved on with my life and it was only later that I learned how you suffered through an awful summer too.

I wanted to keep you out of my life but somehow you found your way back in. We became best friends and you told me about all the girls that you had fun with and all the targets that eventually became another broken heart. Everyone except for her. She broke your heart and as much as you tried to hide it, I knew. I knew that you weren’t over her and that she was the only girl who managed to step all over your heart and leave in one piece herself. You thought that you hid it well from me and that I would never find out about the love letters and the build-a-bears and the pleads but news travel. Especially news about broken hearts.

We became closer and closer friends and texted everyday and eventually, we reached the climax of our story. We took a leap in faith and went from best friends to lovers. And I didn’t know how I felt about this.

I went into the relationship with the mentality that it’ll be okay because I know the real you now and I can protect myself. I didn’t know how long this relationship would last but I knew I wanted it because my god I’ve wanted to call you mine for so long. But I knew that I couldn’t let you know about that. I knew that I had to play hard to get because you get bored easily so I let you have the chase. I made sure that I never initiated anything whether it is phone calls or dates or even text messages. I made sure that I would only talk to you when you wanted to talk to me because last time we came close to being lovers you tore my heart out.

There’s also something else.

Something that you wouldn’t learn about until it was 3am in the morning and I felt safe in your arms and you promised that you were here to stay.

But because of these reasons, I kept myself from giving my all into this relationship but I knew you did. I don’t know if you meant it the first time you said you love me but I knew at one point you did. Eventually I gave into the relationship too because damn it you were so convincing. The coffee runs and midnight calls and crazy adventures we embarked on made me want to learn how to love. Properly.

But it was too late. By the time I came around, you were already half gone. I guess you got tired of me and the static relationship that we were stuck in because I was too stubborn to change for you.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry that I was too afraid to give you my all. I’m sorry that you came off looking like the devil. I’m sorry that we didn’t work out. But when I learned about the jar of stars filled with messaged that you gave her instead of me even while we were dating. The love letters that never reached my doorsteps but hers instead. There was only one thing that I was sorry for.

I’m sorry that I broke my own heart.