Really loving someone is a wonderful and tremendous experience that can be amazing. But there is no worse feeling than being the only one who is doing the loving. It can be a devastating position to be in, but as humans we can be prone to denial. If he’s not in love with you, he’s just not. It’s simple because when someone loves you they want to make sure you know it and can feel it. When they don’t love you, they don’t care. Although some of these signs may seem explicit, when you’re in love it’s hard to see these rather glaringly obvious clues behind the love-tinted glasses. Here are the five signs he’s not in love with you:
1. He avoids conversations about the future.
When you’re talking about plans for winter skiing or going away for the weekend, he is vague and dismissive. He gives you answers such as “We’ll see.” Getting any concrete answers on any future activities or plans is near impossible. And when he does talk about the future, he only ever uses the singular “I” and never the plural “we.” When the mere thought of planning something beyond the present moment is beyond his comprehension, he’s definitely not in love with you. When you are in love you cannot wait to make plans for apple-picking, bike-riding through Central Park, or scoring those Louis CK tickets for November.
2. He refuses to accommodate for your friends and family.
Your sister/brother/best friend is in town and he’s unavailable, busy, and aloof when they’re there and makes every gathering seem like a huge inconvenience. For example, when you finally get him to show up for one dinner, he is not-so-secretly letting you know that you owe him one by texting you the whole time and rushing you through it. If he loved you he would be happy to spend time with the other people who are close to you. And most importantly, if he were planning on sticking around for the long haul he would want to make a good impression on them.
3. He’s critical of nice things you do for him.
I once dated someone who criticized every nice thing I would do for him. If I bought him a gift, he would complain that I had spent too much money. If I planned an outing to see a concert or meet up with his friends at a beer hall, it was too much pressure or would be taking up too much of his time. And when I would prepare extravagant four-course meals for him, he always found something minuscule to put down. The sauce is cold. The bread isn’t toasted. If he can’t appreciate the little things you like to do for him or even the big romantic gestures, he’s definitely not appreciating you. He’s not worth your time, attention or energy, and he’s definitely not in love with you.
4. He’s indifferent toward milestones in your life.
Birthdays, anniversaries, graduations, family weddings, births—if he’s not 100% supportive when things are going well, he’s not going to be there when the going gets tough. If he doesn’t acknowledge your graduation, what happens when a parent/grandparent/sibling gets ill? What happens when you really need him to be there for you? I’ll tell you—he won’t be there. Why? Because he’s not in love you.
5. He neglects you.
You deserve love, attention, comfort, and respect. These are basic needs. You should be receiving these at all times and should never have to remind him of this. If he loves you, he will want to take care of you and make this known to you at all times. It won’t be a guessing game, I promise. If he doesn’t give you the love, attention, comfort, and respect you deserve, he doesn’t love you. But better yet, what are you still doing in this relationship? If a friend were being disrespectful you would not tolerate it either, right?
Listen, don’t feel bad—it’s easy to fall into a relationship that isn’t great. But if he’s not in love with you, then it’s really not worth your time. Don’t let lust or infatuation cloud your judgment for too long. Trust me, you don’t want to wake up five years later regretting a college hookup that went on for WAY too long.