8 True And Sometimes Unfortunate Things About Sex Every Female Virgin Should Know

Flickr / Alberto Bondoni
Flickr / Alberto Bondoni

Here’s the thing, when I lost my virginity about a half year ago I was completely clueless. Not to the extent that I didn’t know the meaning of the word sex, how babies are made or watch porn on a daily basis. No, I knew the basics of what went where and so on. What I didn’t know was all the little things porn left out and society failed to mention– Like sex in the bathroom isn’t as hot or comfortable as you’d imagine or that your mascara will always end up all over the bedsheets.

So, after a few months of embarrassing encounters, I reflected on all my sexual escapades with close friends and came to the conclusion that there plenty of things many heterosexual girls don’t know when they endeavor to  pop the proverbial cherry. So, for all the heterosexual female virgins out there, this one’s for you. Look at this as your own little black book to the art of debauchery. And hopefully, your entrance into the sexual world isn’t as much of a f*ck-show (no pun intended) as mine.

1. Erectile dysfunction is not a myth; it’s very real and it will ruin your sex life.

You should probably know that as much as guys like to boast about being able to stay hard for hours, about 40% of men suffer from Erectile Dysfunction. This means that they will go soft, without notice and probably around the time you’re almost about to brush against your orgasm. So with that being said, do not freak out (I repeat, do not FREAK out) if he can’t get it up or if he *squirms* goes soft inside of you. This has nothing to do with you or the way you look. It does not mean you are terrible in bed or are not sexually pleasing.

Unfortunately for me, no one had the decency to mention this to me so I spent a good month of my post-virgin life being completely mortified at the fact I couldn’t even get a guy to stay hard. So yeah, if you happen to encounter a guy with ED don’t think it’s game over. It’s never game over. Just console him with a pat on the shoulder and then after an appropriate pause of 3 seconds guide him to your nether-regions to help sort out the situation he caused.

2. You will most likely not get an orgasm the first time round you have sex. Or ever.

Yes. That’s right, all the literotica you read were nothing more than a collection of brilliantly constructed lies. I’m dreadfully sorry to say this but muscular-hunk Beau will not hurtle your way such an intense smolder that you will automatically reach an orgasm. Unfortunately, sex isn’t like an over-rated Sylvia Day novel. It’s actually 3592% harder for a woman to achieve an orgasm compared to males. Of course, this is not statistically accurate but based on my experience… It’s not exactly inaccurate either.

Us females are wired in a more complexed way than men, meaning we require more than just the slight brush of fingers for us ‘jizz in our pants’. Hang on though, don’t proclaim celibacy just yet. Sex is more than just having an orgasm. While it’s true, finishing is 10x more satisfying, unfinished sex is just as satisfying. Maybe it’s just us girls but we don’t always have to finish to have amazing sex. Sometimes all you need is just the right amount of dirty talk and the frantic movements of an insatiable man to give you that post-coital euphoria.

3. Sex is not what you expect it to be.

So, I mentioned before that sex is not literotica. Well, elaborating on that… Sex is not what you see in the movies either. There will probably not be a million candles lit because if you’ve ever watched you, me and dupree you will know that candles are just a really big fire hazard. Also, sex does not come with a soundtrack unless you decide it does and if you do play incredibly cliched sensual songs in the background…

Well, you’re going to have to live with the fact that your first-time reflects basically every cliched blushing-virgin porno ever created. So, here’s the DL; Sex comprises of foreplay, dirty-talk, oral, embarrassing noises and awkward moments. There will be moments where you don’t know where to look or where your hands go or even whether what you’re doing at that moment is supposed to belong in the bedroom. But that’s just sex, you learn as you go and you will love every awkward experience because living a reality is way, wayyy better than living in a fantasy.

4. Safe sex is not just putting on a condom.

Safe sex is not just buying a rubber and slipping it on the big ol’ banana. No, it’s more than that. There are several things you need to know about making sure your rubber is that perfect 99% effective:

Leave an air bubble at the top of the condom:
This stops his liquid gold from breaking the condom once he comes.

Do not use oil base lube or baby oil or any oil like as lube unless you want a yeast infection and/or a baby:
Oil is basically prime fuel for bacteria to multiply and when in contact with a condom it essentially eats away at it

More is not always merrier:
Doubling up condoms, contrary to popular belief, does not equal more protection but actually less. The friction occurring between the two latex sheets of magic will cause breakage and small tears which will allow his little minions to infiltrate your helpless egg.

5. Sex is more than the insertion of one genital into another.

Sex is not a simulation of a fickle person who can’t decide whether he wants to stay in or go out. Sex is the satisfaction of carnal desires, it’s a wonderful and intimate activity shared between two people who may or may not be familiar. However, the general consensus is that sex with someone familiar is a lot more satisfying due to the sexual chemistry that’s developed through being aware of the other person’s wants.

It’s always amazing to learn the language of another person’s body and realize exactly what makes their toes curl. You should also know that sexual chemistry doesn’t just happen, it takes a while of learning what the other person wants and needs. However, in the rare occurrence that the sexual chemistry is just hitting all sort of high levels, remember to punch in his number into your phone and possibly take down his address– After all, he’s not going to turn you down if you turn up at his house at 4 am in need of a good shag.

6. Being loose is a myth; it is very unreal but it will still ruin your sex life.

The loose myth is honestly one of the most uneducated and ridiculous thing a sexually active person can believe. If your girl is as tight as glass bottle, you are doing it all wrong. The vaginal muscles are conditioned to relax and allow the easy entry of things when the female is properly turned on. This myth is stupid and it will ruin your sex life because you will think in order to be sexually pleasing you must be tight and therefore not turned on at the slightly. This is NOT true.

The next time you hear some ape raving on about banging a ‘tight little thang’ make sure you mention very loudly that she mustn’t have been enjoying it very much then. And then, watch with glee as he turns a bright shade of red. It’ll serve them right for being too for being so damn egotistical. I mean, c’mon. If we’re able to push out whole babies through our privates and return back to normal…What makes them think that their little sword will be any trouble for us?

7. Periods are unpredictable.

We all know this- we knew it from when we were 13 and our period decided to arrive during a swim meet. It’s a universal fact, something all girls know. Periods are unpredictable. So yeah, no. 7 ain’t just for all them heterosexual females in the house. This one will go out to every female alive because god knows we’ve all had embarrassing period moments–  generally the embarrassment level will vary on a scale of random uterus-revenge-attack while you’re in white pants to Carrie being drenched in pig’s blood at her school prom.  So with that being said,  I feel as though it’s my responsibility to inform you that you will experience at least 2 more period-sex mishaps.

Periods are natural, unpredictable and will not hinder you from the feely-good vibes of sex as long as your partner’s not opposed to it. Periods are nothing to be ashamed of, really. A lot of couples still do the deed when it’s that time of the month and honestly, you can’t really expect to go through all of life without one embarrassing period-sex story. They are perfectly natural and nothing to be shy about. Except, sometimes, it’s a little hard to remember that when you’re half way through a one night stand and you realise you’re both swimming in the red sea.

There’s actually no real advice I can give you for when you end up in this situation, except maybe excuse yourself to the bathroom and crawl out his window?  Okay but in all honesty–I still haven’t recovered from my first experience. Impromptu period sex is inevitable and when the time comes, just remember to keep your head high and deny everything.

8. Virginity is a social construct.

The last thing you need to know is that losing your virginity doesn’t have to be a big thing. You can do it with someone you love, are familiar with or even a completely stranger. It doesn’t matter. A person’s virginity says nothing about a person except that they haven’t yet explored their sexuality with another person. Also, the loss of virginity is different for everyone in the way you do it, the way it feels and the significance. There is know rigid guidelines on when you should do it, how you should do it or what it should mean. Don’t let society force you into believing that your virginity is something that must be given a lot of thought. Also at the same, don’t let other people tell you it means nothing either. You have to to decided what your virginity means to you because it’ll only ever be what you make it out to be and nothing more. TC mark

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