1. We start showing up everywhere you’re at.
We will put on nice clothes, cake on our faces 2 different tones of foundation and wear painfully cute heels before dragging ourselves 2km out of the city because you thought that a farm-house party would be ‘Totally groovy’. But really, you will see us everywhere– By the water fountain as you get a drink, while you’re walking your dog, while you’re in the shower etc. If you’re at the movies, there’s a high chance we’ll be loitering in the back row intently watching you watch the movie. Let me just get this straight though, we mean no harm…. We just want to be in the same vicinity breathing in your carbon dioxide and watching you not engage in conversations with other girls.
2. We will start listening to songs that captures in lyrical form how we feel.
When we feel as though you’ve rejected us by not texting back, we will wallow in self-pity and replay back old emo songs we used to listen to. When you’ve decided to snap-chat us, we will jump with joy and probably sing ‘If you’re happy and you know it clap your hands’ while clapping our hands. It should be also noted that we may at times have ‘She’ by Tyler the Creator on constant repeat. And that we may swap out the lyrics to fit (‘blinds wide open so we can see you in the dark as you’re sleeping’) our situation but that’s really nothing you have to worry about. It’s not as though we’re watching every step you take or every breath you take *laughs nervously* * deletes classic Police song from itunes library*
3. We will get irrationally jealous.
See the thing is, we’ve already planned everything out in our heads– In our minds, you’re already in a relationship with us. Thus, when we see another girl in your snap-chat story or you replying to another girl’s tweet…We will turn into that infamous green eyed monster. Our metamorphosis will be silent but ugly. We will know we have no right to be jealous or even possessive, so we’ll pretend to be super alright about it.
You may think all is good in the hood because we texted you back but really what we’re thinking is ‘Fine, ok, cool. You want to tweet her? Why stop there? YOU CAN MARRY HER. I don’t care. Also, you want her in your snap story? WHY DON’T YOU JUST MAKE A JOINT SNAPCHAT ACCOUNT TOGETHER?’. So just so you know, while you’re out thinking we’re a pretty ‘chill’ person… Our best friends are receiving 70 texts per minute about whatever ‘unreasonable thing’ you did.
4. We will watch a lot of ROMCOMs and read a lot of romance novels.
And we will secretly imagine you as the main boy in every one of them. It doesn’t matter if the author described him as a buff swimmer with blue eyes and blonde hair, we will see your slightly athletic bod, brown eyes and stupidly cute black hair instead. And if it’s a movie, we’ll just picture your face on Taylor Lautner’s body as he gives us, instead of Taylor Swift, that big cuddly bear for Valentine’s day. We will watch 10 rom-coms in a week and be reading a Mills&Boons novel on the go because we’ve already exhausted our own imagination on whether going to prom with you would be more of a ‘Carrie’ or ’10 things I hate about you’ scenario.
5. We will compliment you for no reason.
I mean it. We will just feel the need to boost your ego and tell you how adorable we find you. You woke up too early thinking you had classes in the morning? You’re adorbz. You bit the inside of you cheek? Oh sweetie, you’re too good of a person to have such horrible things happen to you.You’re hungry? That is just about the cutest thing we’ve ever heard. It’s not even something we have to fake, in our minds everything you do is uber cute and in all honesty…We believe that you don’t even deserve detention for handing in your assignment 3 weeks late.
6. We will view everything as a rejection.
If you decided not to text us for one day, our mind will automatically jump to the idea that you are no longer interested. We will never think ‘Oh, maybe he’s busy today’ or ‘Maybe he just has nothing to say right now’. No, our brain will tell us ‘HE’S IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE ELSE.’ and we will spend the remainder of the day under a cereal crusted blanket watching ‘He’s just not that into you’. This rejection thing isn’t just specific to texts either, if we made brief eye-contact with you and you looked away for whatever reason…
We will spend the next 5 hours trying asking our friends what exactly that meant. If you were to be sitting a few seats away from us and happened to be intently working (which is super cute btw) we will spend the next 20 minutes trying to will you to look our way with our brain-power. And if you don’t look our way, we will sing ‘Under the Bridge’ by the Red Hot Chili Peppers as we walk home in the rain.We will basically view everything as a rejection unless you’re specifically asking us out and even then they’ll be a small voice in our head asking ‘Is this a joke? Are you playing a prank on me?’.
7. Stalk you on all social media platforms.
All girls love to stalk people– Whether it’d be through Instagram, Facebook, snapchat or whatever new platform that pops up. We love to stalk and it seems we love you too…So, of course we’re going to stalk you. We will go through all your Facebook pictures and probably find that old Bebo account you had back in primary school. We will constantly check your snap-stories and we will most likely have every Instagram picture you’ve ever posted etched into the back of our minds.
We will know about the time you decided to try to be a punk-rock dude and the cute Bieber haircut you used to don. We will analyze exactly what your whatsapp status means and why you haven’t changed it in 117 days. We will also know that you went to a cafe last weekend but found the food ‘so-so’ despite everyone thinking it’s the bees-knees and we will think that you are absolutely precious for having your own opinion.