A sheet and blankets are laid out on his bedroom floor with pillows all around for everyone’s comfort. A candle is lighting the bodies of my two helpers, and the way the candlelight dances off their skin brings a warmness to my cheeks. They have both graciously met to help me practice some new techniques I want to integrate with my clients, but before we have even started, my body is already ALIGHT with orgasmic energy. The wine I drank earlier has me feeling slightly lose, but I focus in on what I have come here to do.
All three of us get naked, and I begin with some connective holding exercises and really try to get in tune with the energy that is pulsing through this beautiful man, but my head is so filled with naughty thoughts that I am having difficulty focusing. I start to work his muscles, and the other individual in the room helps work the energy. I come to a point and literally want to gobble him up. Since he is not a client, I follow my heart’s desire and place him in my mouth. He tastes amazing, and the feel of his skin is divine under my fingertips. There is truly some beautiful energy happening in the room, but then I internally yell at myself because I am being “bad” and not focusing on my goal of the evening. I continue on, but my pussy is screaming with desire, and so once again I take him in my mouth when really I want MORE.
“Stop it. That’s not what you’re here for, and they probably don’t want that either,” is what I am screaming at my own genitals and heart.
We have finished with the goal of the evening, and my heart is overflowing with gratitude for the two people who took time from their busy schedules to help me out. But as I sip my wine, all my thoughts are on wanting to mount the beautiful cock before me and feel touches all over my body as I revel in the feel of their bodies as well. My mind flashes to a big heap of kissing, caressing, and fucking. Instead of making my vision a reality, I bolt up, give hugs all around, and leave, both with a heart of gratitude for these two people but also angry with myself for not following the desires that were screaming loud and clear in my head and heart. I regret that I once again stifled certain desires and wasn’t bold enough to let go and let myself flow.
I remember this situation like it was yesterday, and I remember being in a complete mental war with myself, wanting to have an experience that, at that point, I had been yearning for for months but, at the same time, wanting to be respectful and not over-push. I wanted what I wanted and yet knew that the desire to maintain these relationships was more important, and I tried to not overstep into dangerous territory.
The thing that I missed at that moment was that I was possibly stealing a great moment from the other two people by not trusting that they were able to use their own voice and set their own boundaries. I took away the ability of these two people to see me in a state of authentic desire and authentic passion. Instead, I took it upon myself to assume what they wanted instead of opening my mouth and asking where the boundaries were and letting them communicate as consenting adults.
Recently, I have had several clients come to me talking about desires and denial of desires, and the situation above keeps replaying in my head. I work hard to be open about my desires and truly embrace them, allowing them to enter my life, but there are still those moments where even I find myself stifling. I think everyone has had moments where they have had an aching desire in some form, but instead of moving forward, they stalled and missed the opportunity. From watching clients and from personal experience, these moments of denial tend to be the moments when our desires are greatest.
Why Do We Stifle?
So why do we stifle these desires? First off, shame, shame, shame. And did I say shame? When we begin talking about sexual desires, we often begin tapping straight into people’s learned shame from religion, family, society, etc. Sexuality is still a very sensitive subject in our Western world, and people tend to have very firm belief systems around the topic.
By owning our desires, we are pushing against mental programs that have been with us since a young age.
Secondly, our deeply rooted desires have the potential to open us up to immense growth, and humans naturally resist change and discomfort. When we truly claim a desire, then we have to face the fact that we are changing, and claiming that desire may be uncomfortable. An example would be a man telling his “vanilla” wife that he wants to try BDSM. This conversation may be uncomfortable, and the process of owning his desires creates an automatic change in him just from speaking the words—not comfortable!
On that same note, our desires are life-expanding, and as much as we are often scared of our own failure, in truth, we are often just as scared, if not more, of our own success. This is even more true for people who are scared of their own orgasmic potential and of truly experiencing bliss. The unknown of life in alignment with your desires is often scarier than living a status quo, desire-depleted existence.
We often stifle our desires when they are at their most intense and, therefore, scariest, placing us in a more vulnerable situation if we get rejected.
It is scary and vulnerable to take a leap of faith on one of your desires and not know how it will be received by others, not just in our sex lives but in our lives as a whole. This is just another way in which how we sex is how we live!
I would love to say that every time a person acts on a deep desire it turns out great, but that simply isn’t the truth. Depending on the other people in your life, a person may get angry, upset, or hopefully, if they are emotionally healthy, they simply will explain that the desire is not in alignment with their desires. No matter what the response it can be easy for our egos to get involved at this point and for us to start mentally beating ourselves up and have the reaction of wanting to shut down. Although sharing and living in alignment with your desires is one of the best things you can do for yourself in the long run, it can still feel like a risk!
Personally, there have been times when I have made a sexual move, written a desire-filled email, or told someone a desire and not had it go the way I had wished. The sexual move got a gentle boundary set, the email response tore at my heart, and the idea that had me almost bursting with delight got reality thrown back in my face and quickly deflated. At the moment, it didn’t feel good, but the truth is that I have way more regret for the times I didn’t take the chance.
These moments are the moments that make people come into my sessions hating themselves, and these are the clients that sit across from me and cry. They never lived the life they wanted because they were too fearful. They were never able to truly jump into their deepest desires that have the potential to make them blissfully happy. They hold onto regret for all the growth that they didn’t allow because of shame. They sit in the “what ifs” and wonder who they could have been.
We like to focus on the times when our desires have brought up heartache, but the truth is that there are many times when our desires work out just like we imagined or are even better than we could have imagined. Many times, sharing our desires with those we love will bring a greater closeness and intimacy to a relationship, and when we own our desires, we give others permission to step into their desires. We show both ourselves and those we love a deeper piece of our true nature. And at the end of our lives, we may say, “I can’t believe I did that,” but isn’t that so much better than, “What if?”
It’s never too late to step into your desires and begin to own your sexuality!