So you’ve gotten your hands on a snazzy new Apple Watch. It’s jam packed full of new little ways to delight you but for a minimum $300 price tag don’t you think it’s a little light on the features? Here’s a list of things your Apple Watch can’t do and probably won’t ever be able to do.
- Help you achieve your truth. Sure, the Apple watch has fitness tracking features that can help you to achieve your fitness goals, but can it help you achieve your personal truth? Apple should add features that help every user self-actualize. The watch should know when you just need to talk. Sometimes you just wanna be heard. Like that time when Jeremy and those guys were bullying you at the party and everybody saw? That still embarrassing and it’s been years since that. You have a job now. You need to move on. But can you? Do people ever really change? Will you always be that kid at the party, awkward and scared? Who knows? Maybe Apple! They should put at a watch that helps guide you to your truth path. Like, with GPS or whatever.
- Teach you how to love out loud. Apple’s watch has some pretty cool support of third party apps like Uber and Seamless, but during all this what does it matter if you can’t shout it from the rooftops? You’ve taking a car to that hottie from work’s apartment and you two order a romantic meal to share while you watch some Netflix and talk. You’re overjoyed to just be putting yourself out there… but you’re too shy to express that to the world. Apple should integrate social features that automatically share your feelings of validation and passion with the people closest to you. That way you don’t ever need to face up the fears of nihilism ruining your party ever again.
- Dance like nobody’s watching. Sure the Apple watch can track your heart rate and monitor some of your vital health stats… but can it put you out there to truly dance like nobody is watching? There should be a feature in Apple Watch 2.0 that helps dissuade your anxiety about social gatherings. This isn’t about Jeremy’s party all those years ago. It’s not. Or about the photos of you eating that cake in the bathroom afterward. God, that was horrifying. It’s like you can never feel safe again. But really, should you ever have felt safe? I am who was protecting you, really? Jeremy’s parents weren’t home but even when they were it was like they were utterly checked out. Maybe that’s why Jeremy attracted such a bad element around him towards the end of school. I don’t know. What I do know is that there’s probably an app that can fix this, Apple!
- Clear your body of toxins. The Apple watch is tightly integrated with your iPhone, which makes responding to calls and messages a cinch! But imagine if it was tightly integrated with your liver? It started overeating. Too much sugar, portions too large, compulsive snack runs… but quickly you just like the relief. The emotional control. So you started smoking the odd cigarettes and pounding red bulls in the morning. This was power over your body. Adderall came soon enough, and Xanax to balance that out. And the booze… oh the booze. It flowed that nectar whenever you needed it most. Sure, they tell you that you shouldn’t mix drugs and alcohol but don’t they tell you a lot of things? Sometimes you can’t help but overlap. Sometimes you just wanna sleep. So many toxins. Remember when you were pure? When things were simple? You promised yourself so long ago that you wouldn’t end up like this. A cliche. A tale of warning to kids on scared straight. A little weed will clear out these thoughts. But no, it just postpones them. You wake up feeling worse than if you’d just stayed up all night. You need a fresh start. You need a clean slate… You need a gadget from Apple made of rare earth metals that can fix this. That can make you whole. Consider that, Apple!
- Convert your regrets into appreciation for wisdom. Sure, you can make diary entries and save check ins on Foursquare with your new Watch… but how do we frame these memories? What context can you put things in. Maybe if you hadn’t come over so bright-eyed and bushy-tailed maybe then Jeremy’s friends wouldn’t have noticed you. You could have slip to the background like you always have. Is it better to have been burned by the fire or to never know it’s heat? How can you frame this? It’s all how we look and it and you know you’ve been looking at it wrong for so long. Maybe too long. Anyway Apple should help you to know which memories you’re making are the painful experiences we learn from and which are the ones that only caused you pain. Without that what good is a watch?
- Take pictures. This thing doesn’t even have a camera. What a joke!