I hope you’re familiar with brands of “artisanal” lubricant and have your lambskin condom ready because Ms. Paltrow has fairly exacting standards. Not only will you be required to read the entire Kama Sutra (none of which you’ll actually put to use), you’ll also be doing several rounds of bikram yoga in preparation. No matter her personal performance, you are contractually obligated to tell her it was Oscar-worthy.
Katharine McPhee probably wouldn’t be such a bad lay if it wasn’t for her insistence on checking her phone during sex. Well, that and the fact that she allows her small dogs in the room during sex because they have “separation issues.” Katharine also asks her partners to call her their “little star” during copulation, but if you’re unwilling to use the phrase be prepared for her to nag.
I honestly feel as terrible talking about this and you do reading it. Oprah is a wonderful person and philanthropist who’s probably just terrible at giving a blowjob. I think the problem probably lies in her inability to take any criticism or suggestions from a partner. Oprah believes she has discovered the one true way to enlightenment and that absolutely extends to the bedroom. Listen, the sex itself is probably going to be disappointing but the Williams-Sonoma gift basket on the way out is beyond. And the private jet home? That will probably help your unease.
I would bet my iPhone that Jordin Sparks refuses to say the word “vagina” in conversation. I’m not entirely sure she’s comfortable being nude at any point during her day, including the shower (she uses a 1940’s “swimming outfit” for such purposes). If you make it past the overwhelming scent of her body spray and lip balm without fainting, you’ll find yourself in the her bedroom kissing for approximately 45 minutes before she asks to “touch your business.”
When the makeup comes off and the hairpieces come out, this beast is unleashed. The best way to describe what I imagine Nancy Grace is like in bed is “unsettlingly aggressive.” Expect bruising, some harsh and very personal insults (“dir-tay tal-keh”), and perhaps some role-playing as her kidnapping victim. You’re going to want to let your friends know where you are and when to call the police if you don’t check in.
I have a feeling that Ellen checks the sweetie-pie-giggle-queen-aw-shucks-sweater-vest nonsense at her front door. You don’t climb to the top as quickly and she did, with the cutting wit that she has, without breaking a few eggs. Though she’s likely to be a serious and determined sexual partner, I imagine if Portia de Rossi were being frank with you she’d agree with me that Ellen is a bad lay. She just doesn’t give off a sense that she knows how to actively listen to your needs or respond to the signals you’re giving off. Also she’s absolutely going to try and prank you in a way that feels more mean-spirited then lighthearted. Try and grab a few Ellen shower caps when you use the bathroom though. People love those things.
Liv Tyler has blackout curtains for her bedroom windows in case you’ve decided to have sex during the day (when turning off the lights won’t get the room sufficiently dark). Tyler strikes me as an incredibly shy person who would be unable to contain her giddiness and ticklishness at your touch. It’s tough to concentrate when your sexual companion keeps laughing, so I doubt you’ll be in top form either. Your other option would be to map out where she’s self conscious and ticklish and attempt to avoid those areas, but that strategy is distracting in and of itself. Probably best to just make your excuses and go home.
You don’t even have your shirt off and Whoopi is unimpressed and possibly nodding off to sleep. Whoopi strikes me as the type of woman who has seen and done it all, and doesn’t have much interest in sexual pleasure outside of self-administration. Perhaps the best shot at satisfaction you have with her is to make her angry enough to qualify your encounter as hate-sex. At least then she’d be engaged with the matter at hand (so to speak).
Blake Lively is the kind of person to whom oral sex is reserved as a present for you on your birthday. She seems like she genuinely does not enjoy sex herself, but has learned to use it to her advantage. She’ll never really give you what you want as a matter of strategy, reserving her ability to dangle the promise of sexual favors in front of you so as to maintain the upper hand. On the whole? Frustrating.
Amy Adams really wants you to tell her she’s doing great but you just don’t have it in you to lie. She’s doing all the moves, saying all the right things, and wearing the perfect sexy lingerie, but somehow the total package just isn’t piecing together. You’ll make it to the finish line but you’ll leave carrying a massive amount of guilt and pity in you – knowing that you’re leaving her behind to beat herself up about the whole experience. Maybe send her a message saying you had a really nice time. Email is probably best so as she won’t have to see in your eyes/hear in your voice that this is a lie.