Over the years, I have become very good at being alone. I have been single for more years than I have been in a relationship, and I have found a sort of peace and strength in having just myself to count on. But I have, from time to time, entertained the thought of you. I hate emotions, so I always joke and say it is only on the first and that I just miss having someone pay half the rent. And I do miss that for sure! But I would be lying if I said I missed only that.
But how could I miss something toxic? That was the part that I couldn’t wrap my head around. You don’t miss cancer when you kick it to the curb. So why would I miss you? I sure as hell didn’t miss the anxiety and stress you caused. My Scorpio nature sure didn’t miss the disruption to my world balance that you brought with you. I didn’t miss feeling like more of a parent than a partner, nor the fights and worry and anger. I didn’t miss the selfish way you used but never seemed to give anything in return.
So what did I miss? Why did you invade my thoughts and dreams? Despite knowing I never wanted you back, why did I miss you like I did?
Some honesty helped me realize I didn’t miss you. I missed the excitement from the beginning, the excitement of the prospect of what could be. The possibility that it could become all I wanted and needed. I missed being able to come home and share my day with someone; I missed cooking dinner and watching TV and just existing in the presence of someone you were sharing your life with. I missed falling asleep next to someone, listening to someone’s breath and heartbeat. I missed the idea and possibly of creating a future with someone.
It isn’t healthy to miss a toxic person, a toxic relationship. But it is healthy to miss the good that existed, the lessons learned. Life sometimes shows us what we want by giving us a glance, a taste. That taste took me from never thinking about the possibility of a lifetime with someone to knowing that it is something that I want.
I don’t miss you. I miss what could have been. And now I know what I’m looking for in this life.