5 Reasons To Hate The New Facebook Timeline

1. It shows everything

The timeline shows every embarrassing post you’ve ever made. Ever. From your most recent night of bad decisions to that photo of you from freshman year of high school, braces and all. With the old wall, anyone could find these gems with some dedicated scrolling — leave it to Facebook to make them instantly accessible, by year, to new friends, potential lovers, and future employers.

2. It has a “Born” entry

Did you want to immortalize your birth on Facebook with a picture and a list of family members? How about a photo album of your mother’s C-section? Great news, dummy — now you can. Somehow Facebook has managed to trivialize even the act of giving life itself. I wonder what Facebook will add to users’ timelines when they die.

3. It decides what’s important

Based, perhaps, on whose profiles you visit or visited the most, the Timeline features certain people more than others. In a list of friends you made in 2010, the biggest photo will be of the person tagged with you in the most photos, or the person who liked the most of your statuses, or whatever other contrived algorithm Facebook uses to evaluate personal worth. Underlying all of this is the assumption that everything important you did in your life ended up on Facebook. Or the goal that everything important you do in your life should end up on Facebook.

4. It organizes life by decades

When I signed up for Facebook in 2006, fresh off a failed attempt at a Myspace account, I didn’t know I would have it in 2011. But here I am in this new decade — and Facebook gives me a quick and easy way to access the “2010s” or the “2000s.” I’m more than a little ashamed that my narcissistic internet presence has bled over from one decade to the other, but what I’m most worried about is looking at those same links in the 2070’s and seeing more than just these two decades available to me.

5. You love it in a sick, sick way

Like every other change to Facebook’s interface, some people, like me, will gripe about it, and some people, like me, will attempt some kind of witty commentary. But this nostalgia, available through old posts, is so potent and so enticing. It’s like flipping through an old yearbook, only more painfully awkward. It makes Facebook creeping that much more exciting, and makes me that much more circumspect about what I post, now, in 2011 — and how I’ll look at it years in the future. Because I will be able to see it all — the boy whose friend request took my breath away, the photos with people I may have forgotten, and those numberless status updates, desperate calls for attention via song lyrics and YouTube videos. TC mark

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  • http://distractionetc.blogspot.com Jennifer Schaffer

    Kairos, house of champions.

  • Anonymous

    People who hate the new facebook timeline is people who hate what they used to be….

    • Rishtopher

      I thought that it was a pretty common feeling?

    • http://twitter.com/coriandercivar Mega Niane

      So…that’s everybody then?

      • Anonymous

        Actually, If you feel awesome or a better person today is just because of your past. If you feel shameful about your past, probably you still being a sucker today.

  • Anonymous

    Honestly, the only thing I really dislike about the Timeline is that it uses so many scripts that it sometimes crashes my browser. Other than that, stalking myself has never been easier.

  • Nixie M.

    It’s neat. You will grow to like it. This is Facebook. It’s only going to develop into more of a Facebook. The privacy settings are also more develop. If you don’t want certain people to see you family photos, etc, then learn how to use the settings.

  • Guesty

    Boring

  • future gopher

    I was a stupid punk and dumb ass in my high school days.  I hate how facebook reminds me of what I used to be… So it’s true that people who hate timeline actually hate what they used to be.  

  • Sophia

    This is spot-on the way I’m feeling. Makes me even more determined to delete my Facebook when I graduate college. The thought of being seventy years old and looking back on my life (and exorbitant time wasted) on Facebook is absolutely horrifying.

  • beatrice

    I’m only upset because now it’s less convenient for people to click my info. I SPENT SOO MUCH TIME LIKING PAGES TO HELP MY PERSONAL MARKETING

  • http://twitter.com/palespectre flipside of a memory

    I don’t even care if it shows everything because I don’t hate what I used to be. I just hate that it is so myspace and it’s so cluttered.  I prefer the simpler way it showed things.  Now you can’t even delete a comment from yourprofile/ timeline without deleting the actual comment itself.

  • Anonymous

    i hope mark z comes up with tabs on profiles for “level of shame”, showing each individual post categorized from mild to spicy embarrassment

  • Staylor733

    From what I understand you will be able to change things and delete anything you don’t want to show up on your timeline. I hope that is the case – just as a matter of principle.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Zulema-Salinas/100000541327243 Zulema Salinas

    where is this “time-line” ?? .. I dont see it on my page :/

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

    who gives a shit, tbh

  • Anonymous

    This article tries way too hard.

  • http://twitter.com/drywallinfo Michael Sakowski

    Facebook Timeline is way too much like MySpace!  If you like it, fine. I hate it!

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_DF3MT5HTO5IGRZKXVZZOV3GC6Q Bebee

    I love it. These dumb facebook people got sucked into this network and now are being told
    what their page is going to look like and act. They have been had.  HAHA
    Facebook does it their way and the people have no say. How do like FACEBOOK NOW suckers!!!!

  • Timelinehater

    Mark has turned communist, deciding whats gud for us nd won’t even let us roll back to the old format.. they shud atleast give us options..  freaking sux!!
     

    • Alphaomega35

      Well, you should learn to spell words like “good” and “should.” Why are you so opposed to digraphs? 

  • lulz

    1. “By ADAM DETZNER”
    2. “…the boy whose friend request took my breath away”
    lol gay

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=781965222 Ken Breadner

    I guess I’m strange: I think it’s a big improvement. I can customize my cover. The nostalgia you alluded to is very strong in me: I like revisiting old posts, and now I can. As for the embarrassment factor, you can set it to ask your permission before it posts something you were tagged in. As for something you posted yourself, now immortalized: maybe you’ll think next time.

  • http://fictionfreedom.wordpress.com Musha Slater

    People who hate Timeline obviously didn’t know that you can edit every single information on it. Any embarrassing posts can be deleted and you can even add some awesome things like that time you climbed a mountain or that time you got in a fight at a bar (albeit before the time you even joined Facebook). Timeline provides so many opportunities to personalize yourself and tell the world your story that I can’t believe it hasn’t been here much earlier.

  • http://pages.shanti.virginia.edu/UVaCollab/2013/04/26/digital-trend-5-why-does-everyone-hate-changes-to-facebook/ Digital Trend #5: Why does everyone hate changes to Facebook?

    […] were dreading getting it, as if it was the plague. This made me wonder, why exactly does everyone  hate the changes? The people at Facebook put in a lot of time, effort, and money in to research, development, and […]

  • http://kyleschuerger.com/2014/02/09/facebook-unveils-new-paper-app/ Facebook Unveils New ‘Paper’ App | Kyle Schuerger

    […] when the site makes a drastic change. (Remember when we were all forced to switch to the Timeline? Scary stuff.) The Creative Labs are working to make entirely new apps so that users can pick and choose which […]

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