This Is Me Accepting That You Were A Lesson I Had To Learn

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Jacqueline Kranjcevic / Unsplash

You reminded me I was alive. Those deep, brown eyes that I always loved would stare at me with so much admiration. They always hinted more than you gave me. I wanted all of you but you only gave me half. And every time I thought you had let me in, I was only pushed further away. So many days were spent making excuses for the bullshit nonsense you pulled. I remember after awhile of us being “together”, word got around that you were with another girl at a party. I remember asking you after hearing about it, but you told me no. What a fool I was to believe you.

A couple days later, the truth was confirmed and I remember the pain. My body started to shake, my hands were uncontrollable. Deep breathes, please. Take a deep breathe. I couldn’t. I had given you everything yet it wasn’t enough. Nothing was ever enough for you. Not me. Not us. Not anything. I remember how humiliated I was.

Then me, being naive and scared let you get away with it. Everyone told me to stop because it was only going to happen again. But I didn’t care, you were addicting and I needed my high. Our last couple months together had both, amazing and horrible moments. I remember how it felt to be around you, it masked the pain of all the bullshit you pulled with the other girls. You took my hand in yours and the whole world fluttered away from us. I was hiding so much pain inside, but I stayed because you made me forget that.

One of our last good times together was a trip to an amusement park. I remember we rode one of the tallest rollercoasters in the world and I didn’t know what made me feel more alive; the adrenaline rush from the coaster or you. I remember the ride home, I was exhausted. We slept in the back of my car and that was the last time I felt genuinely happy with you.

Everything after that was so painful. My anxiety became a problem. You told me that I over think and it got annoying as fuck. I couldn’t help myself because the one thing that use to make me feel so alive, only made me feel dead inside. I needed an out. I loved somebody, who did not love me. And that is one of the most painful things I have ever experienced. Looking at somebody as if they are your whole world, when you are only a small part of theirs.

We finally ended it. It was dramatic, like all the other times we pretended to be over. But this time was for real. I didn’t care. All the other times, I would have begged you to stay. No I can’t live without you. No I need you. No I love you. I swear, I will never do it again. But this time, I didn’t care. You didn’t care. You never did. You only started to care once you heard I went out with another boy. A boy who reminded me that I was more than a toy. A boy who reminded me that not all men are assholes. A boy who reminded me that I was beautiful. You only cared when you realized what you had lost. You only cared when somebody else had my company. You lost a girl, who would do anything for you. I need to put my love towards somebody who won’t rip my heart out of my chest, only to say sorry yet do it again.

The funny thing is you started to be nice to me. Tell me you love me. And you need me. But I don’t need you. I needed you two months ago. I needed you when you were too busy focused on the other’s. I needed you then, but not now. What I need now is to move on. I need to be happy again because you chasing after me, makes me feel the exact opposite. I need stability. He gives me stability. You are just chaos. You are reckless. And for some reason, you can’t accept the fact I don’t want to be with you anymore. You need to accept it. Because without your acceptance, I will just be dragged along with you. Pretending that every move you make, doesn’t make my heart ache a hundred times more. When you send me text messages attacking the person I have become because you no longer like her or when you act like the victim in this mess. The most ironic part of it all is you don’t realize that you were the one who broke me.

I wish you would have realized what you had. I wish you would have realized that I would have done anything in my power for you. I wish you would’ve realized when I spent endless days with you, what that meant. I wish you would’ve realized that when we sat in Panera, on our day’s off, doing homework, it meant I loved you. I wish you would’ve realized that when I would bring you cinnamon rolls, because I knew they were your favorite, it meant I loved you. I wish you would’ve known. I wish you would’ve realized. I just wish it was different. I wish I didn’t have to beg for your attention and time. I wish you would have made more time for me. But now you have to accept the fact you lost me. You lost the best thing in your life.

This past weekend, you told me you never wanted to talk to me again. What an odd coincidence I thought. After ruining a part of me, with the excuses and bullshit you called love, I was the one you didn’t want to talk to. You went on an anger banter and hit all my weak spots with your nasty words. It hurt. It reminded me of what use to happen. You called me fat because you know I have horrible self esteem. You called me a liar because I didn’t tell you something, that you didn’t deserve to know. But after a couple minutes I realized I was not going to sit there and let you crush me with your comments. For the first time since we became close, I stood up for myself. I told you that you can be angry and be nasty but tomorrow I will not be here to come back to. I told you that I loved myself. I told you that my body is beautiful no matter what you thought. I finally told you everything that I have felt since the first time you lashed out at me. I finally told you the things I should have said the first time you pulled crap with me and I let it go. I finally told you and that was so important.

I don’t regret us. I don’t regret what happened. I don’t regret anything. So many people since have asked me if I do, but each and every time I find myself saying no. You may have ruined a part of me that I am slowly repairing but you taught me one of the most valuable things I have ever learned in my life. You taught me that shitty things happen, and sometimes people who you thought were good for you, really aren’t. You taught me that after the storm, there is beautiful blossoming flowers. You taught me that I don’t need to rely on someone for my happiness. In order for me to be able to love, I need to love myself. I need to fill myself up with so much happiness and love that it is the only love I accept.

You were a lesson. I knew when we first started getting close that you were never going to fully let me in. You were gonna give me the half you gave everyone else, and expect me to be okay with it. The sad thing is I fought so hard to get you as a whole, but you never gave it to me, until I gave up on you. And that’s what killed me. You did not appreciate what you had, when you had it. That was your mistake. I appreciated you. Even though I got put through constant crap, I appreciated you. You didn’t appreciate me until it was all said and done. But I’m happy now, with someone who puts my socks on before his. Because he knows my feet easily get cold. You were one of the most important lessons I have had, because without you, would there be a him? TC mark

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