“Choose to embrace pain, or choose to stay the same.”
I saw this quote a couple of weeks ago, and it really stood out to me. I’m a quote junkie, and I naturally just have a lot of deep thoughts so I just want to get really real about pain. Pain that is real, residual pain, pain that has permanently changed me, and how I don’t really know how to deal with my pain.
A deep source of pain for me is the fact that both of my parents are gone. It affects me a lot, and it’s a big part of who I am. Those who are closest to me know how much it hurts me, and they know that 90% of the time I put on a smile and just keep going.
The truth is I miss them so much, it’s heartbreaking, I wish they were to give me advice, I wish they were to tell me when I’m making bad decisions, I wish they were here to help me through hard times. I wish I could go cry to my Mom about how awful guys are, how dating sucks, and how I really think I might end up alone. I wish my Dad was here to tell to get my life together, to joke with me, to spoil me, and push me to be the best I can be. The passing of my parents is something I will grieve for the rest of my life. It’s molded me into this strong woman that I never thought I would be, but being strong doesn’t mean you don’t allow yourself to break down it means the exact opposite.
Sometimes, nothing can be wrong in my life, but I just want to cry because I miss them so much. I have to break down, and I have to write. I have to write because when I write I’m opening up these wounds that aren’t fully healed, and I feel like I’m pouring hydrogen peroxide on them. It’s painful, and God it hurts but the healing doesn’t begin until you effectively treat the wound.
It’s also painful to date, form romantic relationships, open up to people, not open up to people, and trust people as well. Losing the two most important people in my life within five years gave me a lot of baggage that I didn’t really ask for. It’s so hard wondering when you should bring up this really important part of your life with someone without having them running for the hills. It’s painful opening up to men because you expect them to leave. It’s also painful not opening up because I want to, but why should a guy be worthy of seeing me that vulnerable. So far every guy that has been a romantic part of my life, frankly isn’t worthy of seeing me when I’m most vulnerable.
I know it’s because I haven’t met the right one yet, and what’s even more painful is that I want to find the guy I’m supposed to be with because I lost my immediate family. I want to replace what was lost, and build and start my own family. I believe that God will restore what was lost, but when? It’s painful to keep falling for guy after guy only to be the one who is hurt in the end. It’s painful to come home most nights, and eat dinner alone while I scroll through my phone. It’s painful to remain hopeful.
It’s painful to feel like you’re in last place in life as well. Life is not a race, and I know that everyone has a different journey. At the end of the day, it is still painful to watch your friends get married, buy houses, and have kids. I’m so happy, and proud of my friends for doing these things; I just wish I was in on it too. Having your freedom is fun, but when it’s not what you want you feel left behind.
Whatever your pain is, it is real, and it is valid. Pain is a necessary part of life. My pain has allowed me to really appreciate the good and bright days in life because I have survived really dark days. I don’t really enjoy opening up about my dark twisty feelings, but I am learning that if I don’t address the root of the pain I will never grow. I will never change, and then I’ll just be walking around with these unresolved issues, and these wounds in my heart.
I don’t know why my parents died at such a young age, and I don’t need to know. I trust that God’s plan is so much greater than mine that at this point in my life I just need to trust. I need to stop making things happen on my own, I need to allow myself to break down and build myself up again and again, and I need to look after myself for once. I trust that by embracing my pain I will change.