You cannot know or understand loss unless you have experienced it. When you lose someone you love, when you lose your parents, the people who gave you life, it changes you forever. The residual pain will never go away.
I look to dull the pain by finding comfort in other people, in relationships, in my hobbies, and in the pursuit of my dreams, but the truth is I have failed and fallen flat on my face this past year. I’m at my wits end, and all I can think about is that I wish my parents were here.
I lost my parents too early, and even though my dad was sick for a long time, the shock that I faced when he passed was brutal. I don’t think I’ve ever felt more alone in my life. The knowledge that both my parents are in heaven by the ripe age of 26 is a hard pill to swallow.
They will not physically be there the day I finally finish school, the day their daughter becomes a black belt, the day I get engaged or the day I get married. They won’t be waiting at the hospital when I give them grandchildren, and they won’t get to come over and see my first house. I know they are always with me, but they will not be there for those milestones in my life.
If they were here right now they would tell me to keep going, because that’s how they raised me. No matter how bad things get, you find the good, and you keep going. My dad always taught me to fight back, and my mom raised a respectful, caring, but kind’ve sassy daughter.
Growing up, my Mom used to always say, “We’ve made it this far, God won’t leave us now.” That has been on my mind so much lately. The fact that I have made it this far, and even though the pain is so thick and real sometimes, even though I feel like a mess, even through the sleepless nights, and through the really hard and ugly parts of grieving, I believe that my story does not end with, “Too bad for her. She lost both her parents at such a young age…”
Instead I choose to believe that I will continue to laugh more than I cry, even though life has given me so many reasons to throw in the towel. I believe that God will give me my heart’s desires when He knows that I am ready. I believe that God is for me and not against me, even when I feel like He’s not. I believe in the true goodness of God, even through the times when I don’t feel His goodness at all.
God has brought me this far, and I believe He won’t abandon me now.