Throwback to about 8 months ago, when I fell for what seemed to be a perfect match. Cute, funny, beard included. All the past loves were quickly thrown away at the feet of this amazing creature.
Of course everything comes to an end. The saddest of the break ups are the ones that can’t be explained. Was it because I was moving too fast? Was it because he found interest in another woman behind my back? No matter the reasoning the outcome was the same, and once again I am going solo to birthday parties, weddings, and bars.
The second saddest kind of break ups, are the slow and painful ones. The ones where you don’t hear from him for days, so you assume it’s over, then you get that text once again. You are finally moving on, as does he, but he hits up your phone each time she isn’t around.
You don’t respond, because you know it isn’t HIM texting you, it’s his ego making sure you’re still there. Four months goes by, and it’s almost too easy to ignore him, until that night.
After a little too many tequila shots, and bottles of Stella, I somehow reunite with the man who has haunted my nightmares for months. The eyes that used to look at me like I was the most beautiful woman in the world, the flannel he would “accidentally” leave at my house, and that beard. The beard I gloated to all my friends about. I am overjoyed to see this man I used to be crazy about. Then its rings it my head, like a long awaited alarm. This man cheated on you, threw you out, bullied you, tore you down, rubbed his new relationship in your face, he is not an angel. Then all the drunken rage I’ve been holding back had been unleashed. As I tried to beat up a man that could easily throw me into the ground, I take a step back and look at the person I have become.
I have become crazy.
This man drove me crazy, and I let him do it.
Instead of blocking him completely out of my life, I allowed him to convince me we should remain in each other’s lives. For months I had to get over a man, while watching him post about his new love. He convinced me he did nothing wrong, so I held back the anger. He convinced me I was the problem, and I wasn’t good enough, so I constantly started comparing myself.
Every man I would meet, I couldn’t enjoy myself. I assumed every man was lying to me just to get a one way ticket in my pants. Is that all I’m good for? Will anyone ever want me for me? Why am I not good enough?
I wasn’t lost, until he found me.
I didn’t want to block him, because I didn’t want him to know I was still hurt. I didn’t want him to know I cared. But at the end of the day, you have to look out for yourself. Who cares if he thinks you’re weak for deleting his number, it will make it easier for you. Who cares if you don’t want to see pictures of him and her at the beach, it’s easier for you. Why would you want someone in your life who doesn’t give one care if you’re in theirs.
Go hang out with those friends you neglected because of this phase. Go pick up a new hobby. Work out. Eat lots of food. Go make money, buy yourself nice things.
You will never be treating like this again, and you will never settle for anything less. So that means whoever decides to leave their flannel at your house next is already going to be better than the last.
Be strong, because, you aren’t crazy. I promise. Eliminate the toxins in your life that drive you to that point. Now go out there and heal. Heal the right way, without anything holding you back.
Congratulations, you’re free.