1. You can’t enjoy red wine because it tastes like Catholic Guilt.
2. Your parents blackmailed you into getting confirmed.
3. You have a panic attack when your grandparents insist on saying grace before dinner, because you’re afraid you are going to forget the words in the middle of it and reveal to your family that you no longer thank God for the blessing of food before you eat it.
4. The most vehement atheists you know are former Catholic school classmates.
5. You secretly wished you were Jewish.
6. Your parents have a super creepy portrait of you in your first communion outfit.
7. You have a favorite church song, and you’re offended if someone plays it in a different tempo than you’re used to.
8. You have to stop yourself from genuflecting when entering a row of seats, like in a movie theater.
9. You’ve had to explain the concept of transubstantiation to your non-Catholic friends.
10. The only souvenir your mom asked you to bring back from your trip to the Middle East was holy water, so she could save it for her future grandchildren’s baptisms.
11. You have pictures of yourself dressed as an angel.
12. You’ve been desensitized by the threat of damnation.
13. Your sex ed class was called “New Creation.” The second you received that green book you flipped through it to find the section on premarital sex.
14. Your sex-ed teacher tried to convince the class that French-kissing counts as sex “because there’s penetration involved.” You were taught that sex was only for purposes of procreation and that male masturbation was dirty. Female masturbation was not addressed because obviously girls don’t do that.
15. You’re still not totally sure what the church’s official stance on homosexuality is.
16. You know the very real rivalry between day-school kids and CCD students.
17. You’re still unclear on the idea of the Holy Spirit and why he has to be present at every middle school dance.
18. Your family takes tours of cathedrals on every vacation.
19. You feel the need to clarify to perfect strangers that even though you were raised Catholic doesn’t mean you are Catholic.
20. A meal of McDonald’s Filet O’ Fish and Shamrock Shake is a perfectly acceptable meal during Lent, and probably only then. You will feel Catholic Guilt after you realize you broke your Lenten Resolution not to eat junk food.
21. You read about the patron Saint of Rape Victims in the Saints Book you received for First Communion.
22. But then your parents got concerned when you wanted to dress like her for the All Saints’ Day mass.
23. You physically cringe when you see a dude wearing a white polo with navy slack — that grade school uniform is scarring.
24. You definitely have an opinion on Lutheranism. Or at least your parents do, which you can recite verbatim whenever they go into their schtick.
25. You don’t really know all the words to certain prayers until you’re put on the spot. You’re not confident on the Nicene Creed until you go to Christmas mass, and then you remember Every. Single. Word.
26. You have a favorite Pope. (And it’s probably JPII.)
27. The priest made you cry during your first confession.
28. You have a weird need to defend the church against people who don’t have personal experience with organized religion. Even though you no longer identify with the church, the only people that get to make fun of Catholicism are Catholics.