As Hard As I Try, I Feel Like I’ll Never Fall In Love With Myself

Woman with messy bun staring over mountains
John Mark Arnold

I look at myself in the mirror and frown. Once again, I’m not impressed. I’m not happy with the person I see in the mirror. It has nothing to do with my interior, it’s my exterior. It’s the summer, and I haven’t worn shorts once. I rarely take full-body pictures. I stare at them for hours and analyze every single flaw on my being. I’m never content with ME. Always striving for more; always striving for perfection. Unattainable beauty that I’ll never be.

Why is it so hard to love yourself?

I fall in love with so many things. I fall in love with my best friends, my family. I fall in love with the way the sun sets in August. I fall in love with the way my best friend gives me hugs. I fall in love with my grandma’s voice over the phone. I fall in love with albums and songs. I fall in love with my bedroom; the blankets and pillows that surround me. I fall in love with the rain on cloudy days. I fall in love with Saturdays, and how they make me feel. I fall in love with the way a man holds me.

Why is it so hard to fall in love with yourself?

I become a product of my own mind. Stuck on a shelf; trying to sell myself to others. My price goes lower and lower. I’m discounted. I’m off brand. I’m never enough. My hips are too wide. My boobs are too small. My ass is too big. I go to the gym every day, sometimes twice. I come home and think about skipping dinner. I look in the mirror; still not there; still not perfect.

Why is it so hard to fall in love with yourself?

“Delete that. My arms look huge. I can’t wear these pants, I look pregnant in them. This shirt doesn’t look right on me, because I have no boobs. Delete that. I look so awful. Omg, don’t post that. My thighs are so huge in that picture. Wow, I hate myself. That is such a bad angle. Ugh, why can’t I take a good picture. “

Why is it so hard to fall in love with yourself?

I will admit that the internet changed me. I’ll admit that. Seeing other women depicted in such beautiful ways made me hate how I depicted myself. It made me more hurtful to myself. It made me feel worse about not only being a woman, but not feeling enough as a woman.

But he changed me too. Being cheated on is something that diminishes all your self-worth, especially when your worth has already been brought to the lowest degree. Being alone and loving yourself don’t go hand in hand for me. I’m dependent upon others for confidence, love, appreciation… the list goes on. Why do I expect others to put me back together? When I’m the only one who knows all the pieces?

Why is it so hard to fall in love with yourself?

I don’t remember the last time I went anywhere without makeup on. It’s something I just can’t do. Almost like leaving the house without your keys; I have to wear makeup. The thought of people seeing me without it makes me feel sick to my stomach. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and feel okay with what I see staring back. And that makes me even more sad. Maybe I’ll never achieve what I want to be. Maybe I’ll never be happy inside.

Why, oh why, is it so hard to love yourself? TC mark

More From Thought Catalog