Things My Best Friend’s Girlfriend Should Know, From His Girl BFF

When it’s new.

I want to like you. Really, I do. I’m just scared you’ll see me as competition and tell him to stop spending so much time with me OR ELSE. We both know what that OR ELSE can do. We’ll all be stuck in a ridiculous love triangle with every corner dripping of drama and clichés, and who needs that? The only triangles I want in my life are those with pepperoni and cheese.

So this is me waving a white flag. I’m not your competition. Honest. I want him to be happy, and you make him happy, so where’s the conflict of interest in that? When he sent me the link to your Facebook, I crossed my fingers before I clicked on it, hoping I wouldn’t see any red flags because he likes you so much. Truth be told, even if you had liked ten pages on Bieber/Cullen slash fiction I still would have given you the benefit of the doubt before sounding the alarm, because it’s freaking hard to stop someone from falling in love when they’re halfway there. “Maybe she was reading it ironically?” I imagined myself saying.

To my relief you seemed nice, sane, and thankfully slash fiction-less, so I didn’t have to lie when I told him you seemed great. Boy, you should have seen that grin while he said, “I think so, too!” It’s the kind of smile I’ve never put on his face, and you do it just by commenting on his status update. How on earth could I compete with that? And why would I even want to? That goofy grin looks good on him, and I want it to stay. I’ll like you simply because you make it stay.

When you’re a couple.

I’m not going to steal him away. We’ve known each other for years, and not once have we been tempted to jump each other’s bones. So why should it happen now that you’re in the picture? Don’t worry about us spending time alone with each other. In fact, it can work in your favor. When you get mad at him when he keeps wearing that shirt from his ex, guess whose job it will be to explain why? See, for you his cluelessness about such things are a problem, but for me it’s just a fact of life. I’ve got your back on this one.

Actually, I’ll get your back on a lot of things if you’ll let me. I’ll help him plan surprises or the perfect date or how to say he’s sorry. I’ll scope out that new coworker of his with a predatory gleam in her eye and warn him not to get drunk around her. I’ll help him pick out gifts and avoid getting that horrendous perfume that will make you smell like the inside of a strip club. Trust me, I’ve been his accomplice in everything from stacking up towers of soft drink cans on the floor to preparing for his first ever job interview. Why wouldn’t I back him up in something as important as his relationship with you?

If you break up.

You bet I will hate you for hurting my boy. I’m the one who’ll have to pick up the pieces and watch him jigsaw puzzle his way back to a whole heart. I’ll have to listen to him get weepy over tomatoes on his burger when he remembers how you used to pick them out of yours. When he tries to send you one of those pathetic I hate you-I miss you texts late at night, I’m the one who’ll have to grab that phone out of his hands before he risks ending up on some dating fails website. So yeah, I’ll hate you. But if you were really good for each other, and broke up for some idiotic reason, be warned that I’m going to be a worse meddler than a spinster aunt. I’ll plot and scheme and be right there to start the slow clap when you finally work it out. I won’t be able to hold back my smug grins over my success, but that’s okay because you two crazy kids won’t even notice.

If you get married.

I hope you know your husband lost a bet many years ago to name his first child Frodo, so you need to be down with that. If you really hate The Lord of the Rings…nah, I don’t think you’ll hate The Lord of the Rings. You would have learned to love it by osmosis by now, if nothing else. So we won’t have a problem, really. Can we just be friends? TC Mark

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