What was I to him? What did he call me when people asked who I was or what he was doing on Saturday night? To me, he was my boyfriend. Sure, it hadn’t been totally “official,” but after 9 months of being together, spending nights there and going on dates, you kind of just forget all about the “label”. You begin to fall into this routine until before you know it the tides change and the longing to hang out becomes less important, not to you, though. Because to you, he is your boyfriend. When reality sets in you realize…he actually isn’t my boyfriend and he actually never thought that. So what did he call me…what was I to him?
One of the hardest things is when a relationship ends before you’re ready…or feeling a relationship ending while you’re still completely invested. You’re still waking up excited to text the person you love, but the person on the other end has already made up their mind, already given up. Although you know it and you know the end is nearing you still stand there loving. It’s like a trainwreck you can’t look away from. Your texts are the same but the replies are fewer and far between. You grasp for anything and you feel like you just don’t really know the person you’re dating anymore. All we can think of is the good things and it sucks when there really were only good things. You feel yourself making every single effort to make things last, making plans in advance, doing things he loves, and stepping carefully on eggshells.
It is the feeling of knowing it could be coming to the end and honestly hanging on for dear life. He was my rock and when I never thought I would love again after my ex fiancé…I did.
It’s going to end, sweet girl. Its going to hurt and it’s going to suck. It’s going to be another painful heartbreak and you’re going to want to curl up in a ball and just give up. You’re going to want to re-download tinder and bumble so that you can get the 2 seconds of meaningless confidence builders, but listen to me when I say they only want one thing from you. You’ll find yourself staying up way past your normal bedtime just in hope that he texts you back, and even though you know you shouldn’t and everything in you screams “DO NOT TEXT HIM” you d. You send a quick meaningless text, but if he replies, it will feed into the reassurance that there is hope, and if he doesn’t, your just stuck feeling worse than you did before. You are going to ask yourself over and over why this is happening again. Why the heartbreak again? We don’t have the answer to that, but I will tell you that we deserve a lot more than last-minute text messages, blown-off dates, and non-commitment. Your friends are not annoyed with you, so stop telling yourself they are. They are here for you just like you are there for them. Whatever you do, do not call up that boy…the boy every girl has, the addiction, the guy we always crawl back to after a breakup because he is forever single and forever a douche. I know you had a lot of different ideas for where your life was heading, but let me just remind you that you are young. You are young enough to have a million different ideas come and go and you can do whatever you want with them. So take a breath, look at all the beauty you have in your life, and hold on. Because when you come out of this, you will only be stronger.