Thought Catalog

What To Say When People Ask Why You’re Still Single

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Oh, no — another lament on the single life.

This could very well be me, rolling around in my bed late at night, trying to put the crackers down so I don’t have a really sad moment with Ritz in my cleavage. Or it could be you, scanning the Internet and wondering why writers are straight up tripping about this dating stuff all the time. Blame the relationship statuses on Facebook! As always, blame The Zuck!

Well, wait! I do not stare out my window longingly, begging for the soft! What light through yonder window breaks? I only really need to brag about my Shakespeare knowledge to sustain myself, because I certainly don’t need to be in a relationship. “Unless the right person comes along,” which is the single person equivalent to saying “the day Joe Black got hit by a cab in Meet Joe Black is the day he found love!”

I am with my feet firmly planted on the grass that is already greener than the other side. I have no problem with being single, just as I would potentially have no problem being in a relationship, as long as he brings me sandwiches faster than the Pita place I have on speed dial. The current delivery boy makes me uneasy, always offering my $6.50 falafel with another solemn shake of his head. “She’s in her pajama pants? Again?” he wonders, he being the constant projection of judgment in my head. No matter, I like being single. I’ll reference the pajama pants again — I get to wear these red bad boys every day if I want to. Little dogs on ‘em, which I think is real cute. Sure, there might be a guy out there who loves me in spite of or because of these pants. I could get into that. However, right now the daunting task of telling every guy I meet on OKCupid “let me change into something more comfortable” and emerging with these pants seems like too much expelled energy at the moment. I’m a sloth in desperate need of a time machine — I want the relationship without all the should I go dutch should I go up to his place or will he stab me dating hassles.

Plus, I have crushes! That’s kind of the Fig Newton of relationship, huh? Gross but okay, I’ll have just one? Six?

Anyway, one of the biggest and only hurdles of single life (besides the void, the VOID, THE VOID) is people asking me why exactly I am single. As if the crusty layers and the mascara-drenched despair couldn’t say enough! Oh, don’t you worry, my face is like a well-made macaron, smooth and peaky and filled with jam! All is well!

Either way, I’ve come up with a couple answers for this question — for the relatives, for the inquisitive friends, for the dogs you imagine are asking the very same question. See if it helps you from going mad:

  1. Don’t answer, just clutch your large copy of Pride and Prejudice and begin wailing. I find wailing always works quite well.
  2. Let everybody know how much sex you are having at bars, inside the bathrooms covered in Dial soap and the body scent of somebody who has lost their way.
  3. Tell them how terrible your personality is, you even use the word ‘irregardless’ and have no idea the difference between then and than.
  4. Distract them by causing physical pain, I heard a pinch to the armpit while singing “Your Song” is something I’ve done.
  5. Go on an extremely long diatribe about ‘how impossible it is that single people actually find dates at all, you can’t imagine a night in the last year you’ve spent not bolted to your couch, praying for the renewal of Community.
  6. I’m happy, who’s asking? Kind of like a mob boss in something where mob bosses have cigars in their mouths and a bit threatening.

Or just be matter-of-fact about the whole thing. For me, I am just waiting for somebody who doesn’t make me claw my own eyes out. I want to claw my own eyes out everyday — just today the couple in the café I’m writing in was having a ‘hearty discussion about Brett Ratner.’ That makes me want to Oedipus Rex my big brown ones to a hearty degree! And a lot of people are this infuriating, every day and everywhere! It’s almost exactly like how people say ‘there is beauty in all things’ but replace beauty with steam pouring out of my ears. All I can do is hope that one day, one day, I will meet the kind of person who will make me want to walk this Earth sharing stories about the kinds of things they bought at Pier One Imports, or other terrible couple-y things that couples do. Talk about bedroom candles? NPR? How many cuddles can you fit into one’s mouth? Wanna watch Fear Factor? Either way, until that day, I will remain happy to be single, happy to lament on these things to the barrages of eye-rollings or fist-pumpings I may receive. It’s my one life!

Might as well live it in my pajamas. TC mark

image – Eje Gustafsson

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    • http://twitter.com/CeeeMarie Cristin

      Fucking hilarious!

    • http://teresaelectro.blogspot.com/ teresaelectro

      Exactly, I’m single until I foolishly decide I can tolerate another human’s everyday existence in addition to my own.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=41508118 Caity Sherlock

      this is perfection. and me all over. perpetually single and loving it until I find someone i can love it with.

    • http://twitter.com/enteglement Egle Makaraite

      This is pretty funny, but Steph Georgopulos already wrote this article better over the summer.

      • http://karyninny.com/ karyn

        pretty sure there’s no trademark on being single or writing about it. i personally enjoy different viewpoints on the same topic, and do not enjoy choking on haterade.

    • guest

      ” For me, I am just waiting for somebody who doesn’t make me claw my own eyes out.”

      I feel ya sister. 

    • Anonymous

      I like being single.
      I like not being accountable to anyone.
      And I like wandering around the house in pyjamas.

      High five!
      Oh but a bigger copy of P&P does sound useful.

    • OHHEYGIRL

      I absolutely loved this. I think about my singleness often, but not like in a sad feeeling sorry for myself type way, so it’s kind of annoying when someone else asks about my singleness while giving me the big pity eyes.

    • http://twitter.com/ChowdoryNS Natasha S. Chowdory

      I don’t like you say ‘single’ as if I’m not a whole person. 

    • tudorqueeny

       “the day Joe Black got hit by a cab in Meet Joe Black is the day he found love!” that movie is awkward.
      btw i like #6! 

    • http://karyninny.com/ karyn

      as i was reading i thought, “i’ll copy that line and say it was my favorite, wait, no, that one, wait, no, that one…wow, i like a whole lot of lines in this.” thanks, ver ver funny.

    • Emilia

      I love this. I’ve been single for a long time and I try not to let it bother me. But it bothers me when people look at me with pity or when they suggest I should try online dating. No thanks. I’ll use one of your excuses!

      • Boop

        Emilia — that was hilarious. 

        Great Article 

    • Quinn

      Wait…is it bad that I say ‘irregardless’ because I think its ironic?
      Yet, somehow I cant stand the work ‘orientated’…

    • Portlywhale

      “That makes me want to Oedipus Rex my big brown ones to a hearty degree!”

      This. Best article not posted by Ryan this week.

    • Anonymous

      Thank goodness for this site’s existence and its validation of my pajamas til five, ordering pizza for one, i’m-too-intellectually-superior-to-most-people-to-date-them life.

    • Meera Shah

      i just tell everyone im gonna be a cat lady! 

    • Anonymous

      “Have you seen me? I’m a mess” usually does the trick.

      • Biz

        Is this a Clone High reference? If so, I’ll totally hook up with you right now. Let’s go. 

        • Anonymous

          Hahaha nope sorry, this is genuinely what I say.  

    • jukie

      sad that most people in the midwest equate a single 25 year old as being a lesbian  :(   (not that there’s anything WRONG with that!)

    • iGabePhoto

      You’re funny :)

    • http://www.facebook.com/grc15r Gregory Costa

      Because I’m not willing to settle like you did, you stupid whore!

    • Nicole

      I always offer, “well, you’ve got to live vicariously through SOMEONE” or some variation of it, to my married relatives.

    • http://twitter.com/niceflying Emma

      My grandmother asked my sister if I’d been ‘going on any dates’. My sister said “No, but she’s teaching herself German!” No questions since.

      Ich bin ein wunderbar blau automobile!

    • Mage

      No one ever asks. They just look at me and know.

    • Rishtopher

      Loved this! I have no idea what to say when my friend’s parents ask me though. I want to say something funny and witty but I feel like they’ll just look at me and say “Oh…that’s why.”

    • http://twitter.com/vickstahs Vicky Nguyen

      Why can’t people just accept “I’m single until I find another human being who I don’t progressively grow to hate” as a legit answer? I’m with you on this one. I’m not unhappy being single, just like how I wouldn’t be unhappy being in a relationship. Nice article.

    • your friend

      “Little dogs on ‘em, which I think is real cute.” Love it.

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