The 5 Stages Of Having A Crush
One of the most annoying things in life is having a crush.
You think about them all day, look at photos you’ve snapped together, stare at their Facebook constantly, and every time your phone buzzes you hope it’s a text from them.
I used to love having a crush, I even sought them out. But in my old ages of being a 20-something I am over it. Sick of it. Because the second most annoying thing in life is having a crush on someone who doesn’t like you back, which happens 85.76% of the time.
I swear, crushes do nothing but crush your soul…OK, that was dramatic, but it still sucks to have a person you think about all the time look you in the face and say: Sorry, I just want to be friends.
So today, I am going to walk you through the stages of grief that you will most likely experience once your crush crushes your dreams of running off into the sunset, adopting children, and having Olivia Newton-John perform at your wedding.
Remember, all grief comes in 5-stages, especially grief induced by crushes.
Stage 1: Denial
When you finally tell your crush you like them and they laugh uncomfortably in your face and you’re like:
Later that day you tell your friends that your crush doesn’t like you and they try to console you and you’re like:
But inside you feel like:
Stage 2: Anger
The next day, after the tears and ice cream, you wake up angry.
Like really angry.
And all you can think about is: WHY DOESN’T MY CRUSH LIKE ME? I’M AWESOME.
Stage 3: Begging
Eventually the anger subsides and they send you a text or you run into them, and all those crush feelings come back. So you begin to beg.
And beg some more.
This stage could also be called “desperate.”
Stage 4: Depression
Once you get all the begging out of your system, you come to the realization that you will never be with your crush. Cue: depression.
Though you may be keeping it together in front of everyone, inside you feel like this:
Especially every time someone mentions your crushes name.
Some nights you find yourself sitting on the floor after a shower because it’s, like, so much more comfortable there. On the floor. In a towel. Crying.
Stage 5: Acceptance
One day you wake up, the sun rises, and you feel happy. This happy feeling is at first shocking, because you’ve only known sadness and anger and depression for days. You smile.
You get dressed up and go out for a night with friends. You feel pretty. People think you look pretty.
And then someone mentions your crushes name and you snap on them.
Thus, restarting the process. All. Over. Again.
A | A | A
It started with a right swipe, a little green heart. Tinder of course.
Though I acknowledge and appreciate the differences in human experiences, and while your heartbreak is (and always will be) uniquely and completely your own, I must urge you to consider that I have been where you are.
With his hat cocked back, body tilted away from his cane, and right forefinger pointing directly at his audience, Joseph Ducreux commands the attention of those viewing his self-portrait.
I was born in 1990; he was born in 1973. I’m 23; he just turned 40.