Thought Catalog
June 13, 2017

You’re Not Mine Anymore But I Miss You

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What is the issue?
Anna Demianenko

I lost the only creature that believed that someone could love me. I let go of the blessing that made me who I am.

I destroyed the heart worth protecting.

I stepped on her soul without it being so clear to me.

I loved her.

I still do.

But I had to let her go.

She was the only Math term that made sense, the only planet I want to live in, and the only star I would not want to explode.

She said she hated how her life was a mess, and so was she, but I had to disagree.

To me, she was and still is the most beautiful lady I have ever seen.

Her small brown eyes are graced with dominance. Oh how they get me every single time.

Her cheeks flushed with a shade of red resemble the roses in her garden, the ones we used to take care of way back before.

Her dimples, that sit a few inches away from her mouth, are one of my favorite features to take several images of.

Her lips, glowing naturally, attract those of mine. My eyes immediately search for hers as I uncontrollably reach out for her.

I love her.

I do not need a reason why to love her. It is because I just do.

I still do.

Words, papers, and a few pens are not enough for me to express how extravagant and mysterious her beauty is, most especially how her personality definitely changed my perspective of love and life.

Loving her was like being able to cross multiple galaxies in just a blink of an eye. It was like being able to see through my own soul.

I am way beyond stupid for letting the only star in my sky go. I was so stupid and still am. I let her go, not because I fell out of love.

I let her go because I really did not deserve someone like her. I cannot see the potentials she sees in me. I cannot put my finger on the assets that she tells me I possess.

I desire for her to witness the world, have her hot chocolate breaks, and her most favorite 3-am-conversations with someone who will be there and will never ever think of letting her go.

I died because of what I did. My decision died with me, but what I did? It’s the right thing to do.

I couldn’t bear the thought of hurting her when I leave this world. Every second left of me should not be spent seeing buckets of tears from her eyes.

She deserves someone better. She deserves someone who will not leave her hanging after she types a meaningful “Hi. I love you.” even if she has piles of workload to accomplish. She deserves a lover who will be there to pick her up after a long day and take her out for a nice dinner. She deserves a guy who will make her cry because of overflowing happiness.

But unfortunately…

Unfortunately, I can never do any of those again.

I will never see her eyes sparkle whenever she sees a big unicorn stuffed toy inside a toy shop ever again.

I will never see how beautiful she is in jeans, dresses, and shirts ever again.

I will never see how she manages to do so many things while doing her obligations as a girlfriend ever again.

I will never hear her sing her favorite songs, even if at times her lyrics are mixed up, ever again.

I will never smell her natural scent, which sends shivers running up and down my spine, whenever I visit her ever again.

I will never see how passionate she is for food ever again.

But most of all, I will never call her ‘mine’ ever again.

Pain and regrets suffocating me along with the tears flooding my eyes as I remember the night I let her walk away… the same night I made the biggest mistake of my existence. TC mark