There are days when I only look forward to was to spend my time with you. Days when sweet affirmations are softly spoken in each other’s ear. Days when we’re planning things out for our future… the job, house…. marriage. We used to plan like every moment is ours and ours alone. Plan things like forever is promised to us. We were manna to each other. You were the Polaris in my dimmed night sky.
Those were the days when I really liked you, I guess loved you more than the day and time we spent together. Those were the days when I will stop whatever I’m doing just to text you back. That time when I was doing the dishes then you texted me a simple ‘goodnight’ made me feel like a fucking child receiving toys from his mother, caught myself smiling that time because I have bubbles on my forehead and cheeks while texting you back. You were a fucking ripsnorter that always made my day.
As much as I love that kind of things to last forever, we both changed. I don’t know, maybe because of time? or circumstances? or maybe we just got easily bored to the sweet things we used to do? Maybe we got so emotionally attached, it starts to destroy what was once a happy relationship?
Inevitably, we went south. We’re not seeing each other as much as we used to, we’re not texting each other every hour like we used to. It hurts to see that the inches between us seem like a mile. Sweet affirmations become lies, trust rust and words became doubts. It fucking hurts to see what was once star-crossed lovers are now a stranger with casual hookups. It was a cloudburst of chaos and pain.
Then, we broke up. I thought it was for the best. Days, weeks, months had passed, still I cannot see it as my truth, however, I’ve seen you moved on. Casually dating other people, working, living life as per usual and I wasn’t. I was stuck to the same, old, dark and miserable life that I had ever since you left me. I guess, you’ve been my world and you took it with you when you left. I had none. I had nothing to hold onto anymore. I’ve lost myself.
I barely felt my soul, I barely felt any emotions. Everything was rough. I felt like emotionally I was dead and I’m just waiting for my body to follow. I was immured to my world of self-loathing, regret and beers. I guess it’s true that there’s a monster under your bed but mine was in my head.
It took years to finally stand up. To finally do what I ought to do. To finally be who I was once. I don’t know why it took so long for me figure out that it wasn’t your fault I was a mess. It was my own fault for needing your comforting words for assurance, your touch for appreciation, your kiss for love, your hug for security, your smile for my happiness. I guess I made you a cover up for my own insecurities, for my own lies and for not loving myself first before I ever love anyone. Better yet, I guess I never really know what love is at all.
Now, I really just want to thank you. Thank you for teaching me lessons in life that teachers failed to teach. Thank you for destroying a part of me so that I can have a chance to rebuild myself… to become much stronger, resilient and complete. Thank you for making me realize that I don’t need other people to feel loved, because you taught me self-respect. Thank you for teaching me to be grateful. To thank The Universe for a broken heart because you made me realize that it’s better to have someone, lose them, be hurt than to never feel anything at all.
Thank you for making me feel that a broken crayon still colors. Thank you for showing me how important it is to be alone so that one can have an inception of self-worth, appreciation and independency.
Thank you. Maybe some people are meant to fall together but not spend forever together… and that’s completely okay because whoever comes along the way in the near future, at least we know now how to value them and ourselves.
Thank you because breaking my heart was the best thing you ever did for me.