13 Things You Missed In That MILF Porn/Pizza Delivery Video

1. The uniform the pizza delivery man is wearing is not from a large, recognized chain. With the word “P-I-Z-Z-A” written in large stippled letters across the chest of an Italian World Cup jersey, it is safe to assume that he must be employed by a local, independent operator with a DIY sensibility.

2. The woman answering the door, presumably the “MILF” seeking the “X-tra Sausage” in the description copy, is also askew in the attire department. While she is wearing a t-shirt, an article of clothing that has become synonymous with the pizza-eating experience, its abrupt termination at the tips of her nipples suggests that she is either unfamiliar with full-length t-shirts as normative dress or has rejected the practice when greeting visitors to her home.

3. The pizza delivery man is not behaving like a fighting-against-the-clock minimum wage worker who has a stack of pizzas getting cold in the 14-year-old Honda Civic hatchback he parked out front. As with the woman’s attire, he flouts convention, strolling into the woman’s home engaging in casual conversation and praising the thoughtful, minimalist design of the kitchen. A well-lit oasis in his evening that is empty except for a tiny table and chair and sink lacking a single drop of water.

4. At 2:13, the man penetrates the woman from above while gripping the sides of the table. His tanned legs, like his arms and chest, are raked with muscles, a curious attribute for someone who doesn’t get much exercise apart from driving around all night, depositing pizza into the hungry hands of strangers (average weight of pizza pie in cardboard box: 2 lbs 23 oz; average distance from curb to front door and back: 50 feet).

5. The pizza man had poor attention to detail when getting dressed this evening. As he kneels on the chair while entering the woman from a dorsal position, it is evident that his socks don’t match. On his right foot, a tube-sock with red, yellow and green stripes at the top. On his left, connected to the kneeling leg, a solid-white tube-sock with no stripes whatsoever.

6. The man’s choice of not removing his socks is either emblematic of poor circulation in his extremities that will become a health issue later in life, or an example of hard-won experience for an uninsured, part-time employee delivering more than pizza in often under-heated domiciles.

7. At 8:35, the pizza delivery man and the woman have a soundtrack for their activities. Although disguised by an filigree of synthesized drums added to avoid legal action, the track is unmistakable as “It’s Not Love,” the fourth single from Dokken’s third album Under Lock and Key (Elektra Records, 1985), a commercial and creative highpoint for a band whose reputation as solid, hard-rocking musical unit, and not just a bunch of hair-metal posers, has undergone re-evaluation in recent years.

8. The pizza delivery man has a large, inflamed pimple on his left buttock. The pimple has the unsettling presence of a red moon hanging low in the sky of an unfamiliar planet on which your spacecraft has just crashed.

9. At 12:52, over the woman’s right shoulder, a pair of legs sits in front of a tiny television watching GoodFellas. It’s the scene when Tommy and Jimmy stomp on Billy Batts’ face after Billy insulted Tommy with the rejoinder, “Now go get your fuckin’ shine-box.” The scene is only visible for a few seconds, but as the woman pistons up and down against the background-blur of kicks, it makes for a juxtaposition worthy of Godard.

10. At 15:00, the pizza delivery man is halfway into “30-minutes-or-less” territory. If he decides to uphold this standard, he would have to dash away at this moment and drive well in excess of the speed limit in order to assure that all of his orders make it to the customers in time.

11. At 15:05, the pizza delivery man continues sexual congress with the woman without renewed regard for his duties. For industry observers, concerned consumers and Republicans on the lookout for anecdotal evidence of “entitlement,” he is the reason pizza delivery professionals everywhere are looked upon as mom’s-basement-dwelling underachievers working to buy pot and pay their cell phone bill.

12. At 20:13, as the delivery man readies the only delivery he ever cared about, the woman gives the man’s scrotum the finger. A pointy, red finger-nailed finger that she holds an inch away from the wrinkled turtle-flesh. The man is unaware of her subversion. He stares at the ecstasy of a far shore as he dribbles sour-yogurt-runoff across her offered breasts.

13. The video has 10 million views. On a ten-point scale, it is rated 9.9, thanks to an unexpected “Girl-Power” reaction from the all-male audience. The .1 perfection deficit is due to the video’s only negative rating, issued by SnowFL&ke69, a proud life-long member of the KISS Army and an enemy of iced drinks.