I made a promise to never write about you again.
I think 2013 was the last time I explicitly wrote a goodbye letter to you. Back then I was still scared, uncertain, anxious. Back then I was still hopelessly holding onto the remnants of what remained of you, what remained of me, what remained of us. A couple of days ago, while listening to a friend regarding her struggles, something in me ticked.
She was like us.
She was in love with a person she knew she could never be with. Listening to her was like taking a stroll down memory lane – avenue: sweet pain. I couldn’t say I understood her, because the pain we felt was different, no two people can ever feel the exact same degree of pain.
The more she opened up to me, the more I found her being in the position you used to be in. She was in a better place understanding what could and couldn’t. You were then too. Was there a way both parties not to hurt? No. They both will hurt, the question was simply: who was willing to shoulder the blame and initiate the cut (and maybe, just maybe, be willing feel the hurt more than the other).
I asked her if she was okay about doing that – hurting more, taking the blame. She was. And I found myself realising how maybe that was how you felt too. I told her how the worst thing you can ever do to someone you love is to leave them hanging, waiting for something that you know can never happen and thus, holding them back from all the future opportunities they could’ve taken. It’s selfish. In that moment I honestly couldn’t believe what I was saying.
I took a step back and thought, maybe that was exactly how you felt.
You, like my friend knew there wasn’t any hope. There was no point. So that was what you did. You cut me off, clean. Sure it’d hurt like hell, but that was the only thing you could do, for yourself, for me, for us. That was the only way wasn’t it? There was no way there could’ve ever been a future for us. I saw our inevitable fate the moment I fell for you but I guess I was just too blind to see.
Of course, back then I never understood why. I was so caught up in the thought being the only one trying so hard to hold on when all you did was let me go in a heartbeat. I still remember your final words: they were cold, devoid of emotion – it was almost as if I never existed to you. I remember I tried everything I could to find you, to contact you. Messages after messages that went seen but unanswered. When you came back for a visit I looked forward to hearing from you but all I got was a memo from your friend that you wished never to see me again. Back then, I thought: you broke me. You killed every last strand of hope left within me. You took my heart and squeezed it dry of its blood and then tear it open and then force me to put it all back together – dry, in pieces. You forced me to live with my broken pieces. I hated you, yet I still loved you. I hated that I allowed you to mess me up this bad. You made me lose myself, you made me hate everything about myself. I hated myself so bad I closed off, I became hopeless. You made me hate everything, including me.
But that was then. Now I understand.
Now I thank you. If it weren’t for what you did, I would still be living in a conjured world of lies where I’d be hopelessly waiting for you. If you didn’t mess me up that bad I wouldn’t have wanted to pick myself up and become the person I am today. If you hadn’t cut me off, I’d never learn to breathe, stand and live on my own. Thanks to you, I was able to see the darkest and lowest parts of myself. I was able to accept the fate of what was once ours and place everything we once had in a bottle and throw it into the sea. I didn’t move on on my own, you helped me to.
You made me move on.
I wasn’t able to do this on my own if it weren’t for you. It didn’t matter how you did it, because maybe, just maybe you felt the pain that I felt too. Thank you for not losing your ground. I no longer hate you, because now I’m able to find closure and peace with the past. I no longer feel my heart ache when I see your name, I no longer hesitate and slightly flinch at the sound of you when people bring you up. I’m able to talk about you now just like how I used to – knowing in full knowledge that my tone no longer despises you, nor does it have a hint of melancholy or regret. Thanks to you, I was able to recreate myself. I became stronger. My heart no longer beats faster in anxiousness when I see your status go from “single” to “in a relationship.”
You taught me to feel true happiness for you, even when you’ve found new love. Thanks to you, I’ve found something I used to hate to the core of my existence – hope. Thank you for teaching me to let go and find hope in the future.
This was something that took me four years to understand. Four years of insecurity, regret, denial and despair. Something that now I look back and smile. I understood it this way, and I’d like to think of it as you meant it that way too.