Tired? Restless? Looking for an activity that will give you a new lease on life? For the next 30 minutes, our host Will Sloan is here to tell you about an exciting television offer that will revolutionize your life!
Thanks, Johnny. Hi folks, I’m Will Sloan, and I have a service that you won’t want to miss. Have you ever found yourself gazing around your empty home at night, looking for a change? Do you ever pass me on the street and notice that I look anxious, poorly rested, and irritable? Friends, the fine folks at Will Sloan Communications Inc. have come up with a dynamic physical activity sure to bring a smile to your face and brightness to my existence. For a limited time only, you too can have Sex With Me®.
Yes friends, Sex With Me® is low-maintenance, low-cost, and most of all, brings results! Will Sloan Communications Inc. promises only the highest-quality Sex craftsmanship within our capabilities, specially tailored to meet your needs. Our operators are standing by to collect your orders for Sex With Me® at any time of the day, in any town, for any amount of time, entirely on your terms. We cover all costs, and are happy to perform household chores, grocery shopping, lawn mowing – really, anything it takes to confirm your participation!
Yes, Sex With Me® is a convenient and high-quality service, but don’t take my word for it. Just listen to the testimony of some of the people who’ve had positive experiences of Sex With Me®:
“Before I had Sex With Will®, nothing was going right! But after having Sex With Will®, I got a promotion at work, and now I’m living in the house of my dreams!”
“I used to be sad and lonely, but immediately after Sex With Will® I won the lottery and bought a mansion in the Cayman Islands!”
“I wasn’t quite sure I wanted Sex With Will® at first, but I felt bad when he said nobody had had Sex With Will® in over a year. It could have been worse, all things considered.”
With endorsements like those, you know you can’t lose. But hey, who’s that at the door? Is it… yes, it is! Please welcome special celebrity guest Joe Piscopo!
“Thank you, thank you, everyone, you’re too kind.”
Hey Joe, I’m sure the audience loves you for your hilarious impressions of Frank Sinatra and David Letterman, and for your classic comedy on Saturday Night Live from 1980 to 1984, but what should they know about Sex With Me®?
“Well Will, it’s like I told Eddie backstage at SNL: Sex With Will® is a valuable service that give you your money’s worth. It’s truly a bargain, and best of all, there will be no extensive negotiations. In fact, you can haggle for whatever terms are best for you, no matter what!”
That’s certainly correct, Joe. And hey, I bet the audience would love it if you’d do one of your beloved catchphrases from your years at Saturday Night Live.
“Oh, I dunno, Will. If I do that, people might start to think that ‘I’M FROM JOISEY! Are YOU from JOISEY!’”
Ha ha, you are truly the clown prince of comedy. And hey, do I hear another knock at the door? Yes –- it’s Spanish-American flamenco sensation and star of stage and screen, Charo!
“Hola, Weeeeeell! I have brought my cuchi-cuchi and my emoción today! Ooooh si!”
Charo, did you hear the exciting news about our special Boxing Week Blowout™?
“Ooooh no Señor Will! You mis-con-screw me!”
Ha ha, well Charo, we’ve extended our sale by another month! Our Boxing Week Blowout™ is heading into February, with an additional 75 per cent off the discounted price! That’s a zero dollar value, now only zero dollars!
But wait, there’s more –- if you call in the next 30 minutes, you’ll get a signed certificate promising that I will never tell anyone that you had Sex With Me®! That’s right –- your secret will be legally safe with us!
“Ooh la la! This sale bring the hoochi to my coochie, si si!”
Ha ha, well Charo, at Will Sloan Communications Inc., we value our customers. And, when you order Sex With Me®, you can be guaranteed that the services have not been used by anyone in recent memory! That’s right – Sex With Me® has been given out so rarely as of late, it’s practically brand new!
When our son Will moved back home after grad school, we expected to have a tense discussion about how Sex With Will® was strictly forbidden on the premises. But, as it turns out, there have been absolutely no signs of any Sex With Will® at all.
So don’t wait — just call the number on your screen for the best Sex With Me® experience on the market! And just remember our motto – “Until you’ve had Sex With Me®, you’ve never had Sex With Me®!”