“Sometimes life leads you down a different road when you’re holding onto someone that you have to let go of.” –Carrie Underwood
“I miss him.”
Silence filled the room as I wiped the tears from my eyes. It had been months since I left and yet I’m sitting here, uttering the words I never thought would ever fall from my lips.
“You know,” my friend said, “You’re allowed to miss people who aren’t supposed to be in your life.”
I casually agreed and got in my car. Music always had a way to tell me exactly how I truly felt, without me ever having to say it. Some people go to church to feel at peace, some people workout, and some people even drink.
For me, I drive.
I turned up the music as loud as it could go and just started driving. I began combing through the memories. The words of my friend kept replaying in my mind. Was she right? Do I miss him or do I miss the thought of having someone?
She was so right.
I admit it, I miss you.
I miss you when I toss and turn at night.
I miss you when I wake up in the morning and you’re not there.
I miss you during my morning run.
I miss you when I am at work.
Sometimes, I truly miss you.
We had some great memories.
The joy we got coming home to each other after work, chasing each other around our place, our night walks, our movies nights, and the weekly date night we had.
As much as I miss you and as much as it hurt to leave you, I thank God every day that I didn’t get what I thought that I deserved.
I don’t miss questioning my worth on a daily basis.
I don’t miss the pressure of having to keep that fit little figure to appease you.
I don’t miss the way you allowed your friends to treat me.
I don’t miss how I was always the last to know about everything.
I don’t miss how distant you became.
I don’t miss how you’d belittle every little goal I had.
Sometimes, I truly don’t miss you.
The short time we were in each other’s life was a mixture of heaven and hell.
There were days that I truly felt close to heaven. It was the days you were actually the person you perceived yourself to be.
There was also many days that I scarcely thought I was close to hell. The days that you’d put me aside, or all the times you just shut me out.
The time we have spent apart has taught me that I don’t deserve you, because I deserve so much better.
I deserve someone who is going to encourage my dreams, and to guide me every step of the way.
I deserve someone who is going to love every curve of my body, no matter the size that I am.
I deserve someone who is going to actually tell me how they feel.
I deserve someone who is going to make me feel ever so worthy.
I deserve someone who is going to give me their whole heart.
So, when I say I miss you, it doesn’t mean I want you back.