I’m That Cold Bitch Who Doesn’t Cry During Movies

I’m one of those heartless girls who doesn’t cry during movies, and I’ve whipped up a list of what typically goes on in my head when people point this out. Only those who share this lack of emotion with me will genuinely understand. If you do cry during movies, take notes because you’re getting on my nerves.

1.

“How come you aren’t crying right now?” I am sad, believe me. I just don’t cry during movies. I promise I am not a heartless bitch.

2.

Ask me why I don’t cry during movies one more time and I’ll eat your liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.

3.

“OMG, we’re gonna watch _______ together. You’ll definitely cry during this one!” I cannot tell you how many times people have tried to get me to watch supposedly tear-jerking movies for the sake of getting me to cry. It never worked. Nice try.

4.

“You have no heart!” Really? Just because I didn’t cry when Jack froze to death or when the fucking dog died in Marley & Me means I have no heart? You should be a psychologist.

5.

Speaking of which, Marley & Me is frequently mentioned when people ask about my lack of tears during movies. No, for the 20,349,587th time, I did not cry.

6.

“Why are you laughing? This is a sad part!” HAHAHA I know but you all look so ugly when you cry that I just can’t help myself.

7.

Once in a blue moon, you’ll talk to guys who’ve confessed that they’ve cried during movies, then they get pretty embarrassed when you tell them that you never have.

8.

“I just don’t understand how you don’t cry during movies!” WELL NEITHER DO I, BITCH. THANKS FOR YOUR INPUT.

9.

It’s my allergies, I promise.

10.

Best of all, I’ve never had to purposely wear waterproof makeup to a movie theater.